I am trying to leave town in my truck. People have placed two garbage cans as obstacles in the road and have dug a series of holes as part of a contest. I swerve and spin to avoid them but finally must come to a stop. It is impossible to get out of town. Everyone has gone mad, making their own barrier contests.
I am driving with G on a one-lane, elevated, on-ramp type road, surrounded by other similar structures. G points out that I have blown through the light on Montgomery a second time. I tell her I didn't see it. Little colored balls fall into the folds of my jacket. I see some nurses sliding out of an escape chute from a three-story brick building. This is because of the volcano eruption report. We find my friend, D, and I ask him, "What's the word on the STREET?"
9:00 am Leave Omaha, NE
10:00 am 100 Calorie Bag Blue Diamond Almonds 100 calories
10:30 am 5 Nilla Wafers 88 calories
1:15 pm McDonald's in Ogallala, NE
Southern Style Crispy Chicken Sandwich and small French Fries 780 calories
2:00 pm Zagnut bar 220 calories
6:00 pm Pueblo, Co. Cracker Barrel
Homestyle Chicken Dinner, with hashbrown casserole, greens (with bacon), a biscuit and a corn muffin 1418 calories
8:15 pm 3 Original Bulls-eyes candies 130 calories
10:30 pm Giant Chunky bar 570 calories
12:15 am Arrive in Albuquerque, NM
5:30 pm Leave Albuquerque, NM
6:40 pm 1 carrot 52 calories
9:20 pm Arby's in Raton, NM
Max Roast Beef Sandwich and 2 piece Potato Cakes 870 calories
10:30 pm 5 Nilla Wafers 88 calories
11:00 pm Heath Bar 210 calories
Between 11:30 pm and 4:30 am
9 ounces Rio Grand Chile Pistachios 810 calories
1 package Jacklinks Buffalo Jerky 240 calories
8:15 am McDonald's in Aurora, NE
Big Breakfast 740 calories
10:30 am Arrive in Omaha, NE
9:10 am Leave Austin, TX
9:30 am: McDonalds drive thru:
Sausage McMuffin, Hash Brown 600 calories
+ Eggs and one pancake from my kids uneaten Big Breakfast 327 calories
10:45 am: 2 servings Wheat Thins 290 calories
noon: 1 Nutty Buddie 310 calories
1:30 pm: Fort Sheridan, TX, eat lunch at K-Bob's Steakhouse
(sign on door warns air conditioning not working properly)
K-Bob Steakhouse's Famous K-Bob Burger with steak fries 1100 calories (approx)
K-Bob Steakhouse's Salad Wagon 200 calories (approx)
3:45 pm: 1/2 box Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits 600 calories
6:00 pm 1 single serve packet of Pringles 160 calories
1/2 bag Reese's Pieces 105 calories
8:45 pm 1/2 Oh Henry! bar 115 calories
1 Chick-O-Stick 240 calories
10:05 pm arrive in Albuquerque, NM
I wrote Rules for Driving in Albuquerque back in college while I was taking a public speaking class. My topic was “SUV’s and Why I Hate Them,” and the list wasn’t part of the assignment, but an afterthought. I lost a few years in there, so no original copy exists, but my commute daily from Belen to Albuquerque brings the list to mind.
From the best of my recollection this is the list (with apologies to Chuck Palahniuk):
The first rule of Albuquerque driving is you do not use turn signals.
The second rule of Albuquerque driving is you DO NOT USE TURN SIGNALS.
The third rule of Albuquerque driving is if you must use turn signals, use them incorrectly. For example, signal left, make hard right.
The fourth rule of Albuquerque driving is stop signs are optional.
The fifth rule of Albuquerque driving is never drive the speed limit. Drive maddeningly slow or dangerously fast. The middle shall not hold.
The sixth rule of Albuquerque driving is maintain a length of one quarter of a car length behind me on the freeway. What, are you reading my bumper sticker?!
The seventh rule of Albuquerque driving is green means go, yellow means go faster, red lights means stop but only after seven seconds.
The eighth rule of Albuquerque driving is why get a license plate when you can have a temporary tag forever. Trust me, temporary tags are very cool. I don’t understand why this last one hasn’t taken hold up in the northeast whites.
Please, drive safely. Be nice.