V.25 No.5 | 02/04/2016
The Daily Word in Johnny Cash Spiders, Fresh Air Sales and Fake Simpsons
By Joshua Lee [ Sun Feb 7 2016 10:58 AM ]
A newly discovered tarantula has been named Aphonopelma johnnycashi, due to its thick black coat, it's proximity to Folsom prison (seriously) and after its admission that it killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
If you plan on hiring hitmen to kill your wife, you'd better make sure they do the job. Otherwise, she might do what this Australian woman did and crash her own funeral.
4 new species of flatworm that fit on the head of a dime discovered. They have no brains or organs, just a sack for a stomach and a mouth that eats and poops.
Fat, dumb, yellow dad. Beehive-sporting mom. Little girl in a red dress and pearls. That's right! It's everyone's favorite cartoon fam from the nation of Georgia: The Samsonadzes. And if that sounds too familiar to you, check out the opening credits sequence. Sheesh.
According to neurobiologist Douglas Fields, the same group of neurons that help you react quickly in times of danger are the same ones that make people "just snap."
DWI penalties became a whole lot stiffer last week, even though we had the lowest number of drunk-
God bless the free market! A British man is selling £80 jars of fresh air to the Chinese. And they're buying it.
Here's an amazing collection of photos taken during the Vietnam war by the North Vietnamese and the Viet Cong.
V.25 No.4 | 1/28/2016
Council Considers DWI, Lady Lobos and the Bosque
By Carolyn Carlson
The City Council applauds the Felony DWI Court, loves Lobos and hears about APD recruitment difficulties.
V.25 No.3 | 01/21/2016
APD Has an Operations Plan in Place!
Man will judge man in a screening process by which trained man ascertains the sobriety of any and all men, regardless of race gender creed or smell
By Geoffrey Plant [ Fri Jan 22 2016 8:03 PM ]
.... Actually, you may be judged by your smell as this can be a primary indicator of intoxication. Or you just worked a shift behind the bar at Anodyne where a girl's hair, thanks to the high reach up to the bottles shelf—oh, nice ass, too—can end up more combustible than that orgy in Satyricon. This will make you appear drunk when really you smell like alcohol because it was dripping all over your hair every time someone ordered a fucking top-shelf Rum and Coke.
As always, the authoritIes want you to know the general neighborhood where the checkpoint will be however, Weekly Alibi cannot divulge the exact location. Somewhere in the vicinity of Walmart on San Mateo and the Long John Sliver's on Central APD will be conducting a sobriety checkpoint.
Avoid the cuffs and take advantage of the ever-increasing stable of ride services. By simply starting your night with a ride from one of Albuquerque's taxi services or, if you're under thirty, Uber. Unfortunately, AAA's Tipsy Tow service appears to have been discontinued in Albuquerque, but Albuquerque Cab does offer a free ride home (10pm-2am, Fri & Sat) through their Tavern Taxi service.
Tavern Taxi: (505)-999-1400
V.24 No.52 | 12/24/2015
Post Christmas DWI Checkpoints
By Megan Reneau [ Thu Dec 24 2015 12:22 PM ]
Coping after Christmas? There will be DWI checkpoints in the Northwest Command Area (I-40 area) on December 26 and 27 starting around 10 pm and going till 3 am. If you picked up our Boozy Gift Guide, maybe you'll remember I wrote about how to get home safely after a night of shenanigans (aka getting sloshed).
You can bookmark it, cut it out of the paper and put it in your wallet or bra, write it down on your arm, hell, get it tattooed on your arm; just don't drive drunk!
Stay safe and happy holidays, you noobs.
V.24 No.49 | 12/3/2015
By August March
Another holiday, another tragedy
News from around the state.
V.24 No.44 | 10/29/2015
Halloween DWI Checkpoint in Downtown Albuquerque This Saturday Night
By Geoffrey Plant [ Fri Oct 30 2015 4:19 PM ]
Albuquerque Police want Halloween revelers to know that there will be a sobriety checkpoint somewhere in the Downtown area this Saturday night. Regulars and those living in the area can probably guess that APD will set up their checkpoint at either Central and Broadway or Coal and Broadway. No matter how many news outlets publish this information, APD will still bust some folks driving under the influence. So dress up in your sexy Donald Trump costume and hit the bars downtown, dance, see some music, but if you get too intoxicated to drive—and with the BAC limit at .08%, "too intoxicated" isn't hard to achieve—find another way to get home or to your booty call or dealer's house.
Have a safe Halloween by simply starting your night with a ride from one of Albuquerque's taxi services or, if you're under thirty, Uber. Unfortunately, AAA's Tipsy Tow service appears to have been discontinued in Albuquerque, but Albuquerque Cab does offer a free ride home (10pm-2am, Fri & Sat) through their Tavern Taxi service.
Tavern Taxi: (505)-999-1400
ABQ CAB: (505)-883-4888
Yellow/Checker Cab: (505)-247-8888
Green Cab: (505)-243-6800
V.24 No.27 | 7/2/2015
Crib Notes: July 2, 2015
By August March
Excerpts from Appendix B (Tales of Years 2011-2024) of the third book (Return of the First R) in the epic fantasy series Alburquerque News (Burrrque Press hardback collectors edition)
V.24 No.17 | 4/23/2015
The Daily Word in methane mystery, machete murder and Mary Jane
By Constance Moss [ Mon Apr 20 2015 11:30 AM ]
In the Four Corners area, researchers are attempting to locate the mysterious source of a methane "hot spot."
A museum commemorating the figure skating scandal of the 1990s involving Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding has been built by a couple in Brooklyn in their apartment.
The Red Rocker ordered a new car in 2014. The cost: $1.4 Million. He's still waiting for it to be delivered.
In Spain, a substitute teacher was killed and four others wounded after a 13-year-old brought a machete and cross bow to school.
In local news, a driver drove his vehicle through a parking lot, a brick wall, and through the living room of two residents in the Loma Del Norte 'hood. He is under investigation for possible DWI.
Norway is expected to be the first country to do away with FM radio.
Dude! It's 420! Don't Bogart that doobie!
V.24 No.12 | 3/19/2015
Crib Notes: March 19, 2015
By August March
What do you know about last week’s 505 news? Take the Alibi pop quiz to find out.
V.23 No.31 |
The Daily Word in Albuquerque, Burque and the Duke City
By August March [ Thu Jul 31 2014 11:45 AM ]
In recent, local developments:
Allegedly, a very drunk couple took a stroll with their children and a marijuana pipe. They were arrested.
A naked intruder was allegedly found sleeping in someone else’s bed. He was arrested.
According to APD, a woman pulled a gun on a Comcast technician. She was arrested.
APD is getting rid of its Mine Resistant Ambush Protected armored vehicle.
The School of Rock will be housed in downtown Burque.
The Sunport was at the center of a copper theft ring.
Developers are planning to build a hotel modeled after the ruins at Chaco Canyon.
Someone left the sprinklers running in the rain.
UNM’s Director of Government and Community Relations has now been arrested three times for DWI. He has been previously convicted twice for this offense.
After numerous setbacks and a countless number of losing seasons, UNM’s football coach looks to the future.
V.23 No.8 |
The Daily Word in touring Old Main, New Mexico ranks first in something and the collapse of Bitcoin
By Geoffrey Plant [ Tue Feb 25 2014 8:33 AM ]
Judge's ruling on Albuquerque's DWI vehicle-seizure program is being interpreted in two ways.
An accused pedophile once worked at a Nob Hill magic shop.
Elevator Gossip tweeter identified.
Toronto mayor Rob Ford was on The Today Show.
Some politicians who voted for Arizona's "anti-gay" sb 1062 are feeling like maybe the whole thing isn't such a good idea after all.
25 cases (since 2012) of a polio-like disease affecting children in California have parents and officials very worried.
V.22 No.52 |
The Daily Word in Pussy Riot, New Mexico tourism and Nintendo porn
By Mark Lopez [ Fri Dec 27 2013 9:48 AM ]
Pussy Riot may be out of prison, but their work is far from over.
Conrad Alvin Barrett's getting charged with a hate crime, and he thought he was just playing a game.
A Louisiana man, who was in the middle of a custody battle for his four children, shot and killed three people before killing himself.
Monsignor William Lynn's case involving priest-sex abuse charges was overturned, and he could get released as early as this week after spending 18 months behind bars.
Utah wants to take same-sex marriage ruling to the US Supreme Court.
Speaking of same-sex marriage, now that it's legal in New Mexico, does that mean a boost in tourism?
Robert Ortiz, after drunkenly rolling his Chevy Blazer, goes into a giggle fit when cops issue a sobriety test. Oh, and he also has 10 DWI arrests to his name.
Thanks to good road crews, descansos remain on the highways.
A father in Virginia reported to local news that his son found pornographic images on a Nintendo gaming system he got for Christmas. Sorry buddy.
V.22 No.33 | 8/15/2013
Dirt City Driving for Neophytes
Alibi circulation manager drops native motoring knowledge
By Geoffrey Plant
Geoffrey Plant is your instructor, and this is everything you always wanted to know about booting, DWI and parking tickets, but were afraid to ask.
V.22 No.20 | 5/16/2013
Mixed Drink Tape
Songs in the key of booze
By Samantha Anne Carrillo
An obsessive-compulsive editor spent three days soaking in aural alcohol, and it resulted in a lush mixtape.
V.22 No.9 |
The Daily Word in illegal hot air balloons, ghost wives, forced to pee in a bucket and more interlock license restrictions
Happy birthday Dean Stockwell
By Geoffrey Plant [ Tue Mar 5 2013 8:28 AM ]
This guy may sue Circle K for allegedly making him pee in a bucket.
Filesharing site Pirate Bay says it has moved operations to friendlier-
Another excellent Dangerous Minds rant about Facebook's "broken on purpose" EdgeRank scheme.
The White House thinks you should be able to unlock your phone or tablet and wants the current law changed.
A town that wanted to put up a statue of Len Bias finds out that most people think of the dead basketball star as a crackhead, not an athlete. Whatever you may think, he was a pivotal figure in the War on Drugs.
These guys have a suitable dead woman that would make a great wife for your dead single brother.
Harrison Ford is going to be in Anchorman 2.
Anthrax • thrash metal • Anesthesia • heavy metal • Torture Victim • metal at Sunshine Theater
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