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V.23 No.36 | 9/4/2014

news

The Daily Word in nude photos, Joan Rivers and dinosaur battles.

The Daily Word

Hackers leak nude celebrity photos snatched from the cloud.

Doctors will wake Joan Rivers from her medically induced coma.

A radioactive boar is running loose in Germany. It has not yet grown to gigantic proportions.

Famous authors’ day jobs might surprise you.

Watch footage of Katy Perry as a teenager. A couple minutes will suffice.

The Portuguese man-of-war is beautiful, as these photos illustrate.

You’ll be able to use your iPhone 6 like a credit card.

APD arrested a shooting suspect last night.

Police are searching for a suspect in Saturday’s fatal shooting.

Happy birthday, Edgar Rice Burroughs.

V.23 No.32 | 8/7/2014

dreams

Rowdy’s Dream Blog #354: They Live in the Bathroom

I step into a city park restroom through a broken cinder block wall. As I start to pee into a central basin I see dark eyes peering at me over a stall. The eyes are filled with fear.

A tall, thin dark Indian man steps out. His head and hands are wrapped in bandages. He offers, in impeccable English, to do odd jobs for me.

He presents his daughter. She is small and cute with red hair and a green dress. She lives with her father in the bathroom. She seems to know some database concepts. I know I can find some work for her. I won't be able to call her but I know where to find her.

V.22 No.29 | 7/18/2013

News Feature

Prescription for Termination

Medical marijuana laws conflict with employers’ drug testing policies

Barron Jones reports on what happens when employer’s drug testing policies, federal law and state medical marijuana laws clash, and a court case that may set precedent.
V.21 No.27 |

news

The Daily Word in mini-iPads, Syrian emails and the key to the universe

The Daily Word

All of the fireworks in San Diego's big show accidentally went off at once. (This has never happened to the Big Bay Boom before.)

In the Dirt City, plenty of people flipped a sparkly middle finger to fire restrictions.

We've entered monsoon season.

Apple is working on a mini-iPad. No, dummy, not an iPhone.

Government confirms: Mermaids are not real.

Fukushima disaster was the result of collusion, says expert panel.

Did you know Hannah Montana makes a raccoon repellent?

Lifeguard in Florida fired for trying to save a drowning swimmer.

Wikileaks releases 2.5 million emails from Syria.

Physicists find key to the universe.

How to take care of your vinyl in the heat.

India's going to give its citizens free medication.

Mitt Romney may pick a woman to be his running mate.

"Like a Virgin" moves Madonna to tears during a concert.

V.19 No.35 |

My morning with the unemployment office (the names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the guilty.)

a play in one act

John Bear sits bleary-eyed in his boxers in a one-bedroom apartment, early in the morning, clutching a phone. The same four bars of hold music play for over an hour as he remains on hold. Occasionally, a robotic voice says, “Your call is important to us, please remain on the line. Your call should be answered in no more than … [a different robotic voice comes on the line] Four and a half epochs.

There is a crackle, then a voice.

Operator: Thank you for calling the Department of Unenjoyment, this is [unintelligible] may I help you?

JB: Yes, when I certified my unemployment claim for the week it told me I needed to call in, so I’m calling in.

Operator: And why are you calling today?

JB: Uh, it told me to call in.

Operator: What told you to call in?

JB: The screen on the computer. It said I needed to call in within five days. I’ve been trying all week. I was starting to get freaked out.

Operator: What is your name?

JB: John Bear.

Operator: And why are you calling in today?

JB: The computer told me to.

Operator: Who was your last employer?

JB: The Bethlehem Hardly News.

Operator: I’m not showing that. You didn’t put any earnings on there for this week.

JB: I haven’t worked there in two months. That’s why I’m applying for benefits.

Operator: Then what are these entries for August?

JB: Oh, that’s the other paper I freelance for. Sorry. I was confused.

Operator: So the Bethlehem Hardly News isn’t your last employer.

JB: I’m sorry. I misunderstood. The Hardly News was my last full time employer, the reason I am applying for benefits. I freelance for the NuTimes. I told the last person I spoke with about it. I filled out the forms. I thought you meant my former full time employer.

Operator: So what is your current employer?

JB: I work for The NuTimes. That’s N-U-T-I-M-E-S. I'm just a freelancer. But it's not full time. Not even part time. It’s not much money. I only reported it in the spirit of honesty. Really, it’s twenty, forty bucks a week.

Operator: I’m not showing any employer with that name.

JB: Try capitalizing the T.

Operator: What?

JB: Try Capitalizing the T. Big N, little u, Big T.

Operator: Oh, it’s Nu, not N-E-W. You should have told me that.

JB: I did.

Operator: You didn’t claim any wages for the NuTimes. You don’t work there anymore?

JB: Yes. I just didn’t get a check last week. I get checks for, like, twenty bucks for blogs and articles. It’s not a lot of money. I didn't get a check last week, so I didn't report it.

Operator: So you don’t work there anymore.

JB: Yes, I still work there.

Operator: What do you do there?

JB: I’m a freelance writer. I get paid by the article or by the word. Really, it’s not much. I just didn’t want to not report it.

Operator: And you don’t work there anymore.

JB: Yes, I still work there. Are you even listening?

Operator: And what do you do?

JB: I’m, I’m a writer. I get paid by the article.

Operator: And why are you calling today?

JB: I told you. I was told when I certified that I needed to call in.

Operator: Please hold.

[Thirty minutes go by. This time there is no music.]

Operator: Sir?

JB: Yes.

Operator: Why are you calling?

JB: I was told to call in. I don’t know why.

Operator: I need you to give me the dates of when you were working for NuTimes.

JB: I’ve been working there for four years. This should be on there. I spoke with someone. I filled out forms.

Operator: I show that you’ve only been working there since August.

JB: That’s, I sent, I sent in the money I made because I wanted to be honest. I have been working for that paper for four years and I still work there. I’ve worked there since 2006.

Operator: I’m going to need you to give me those dates in August when you worked.

JB: I, I just write articles. I don’t have set dates. I don't get paid by the hour or anything.

Operator: Then you are going to have to call back.

JB: No, no, no, no. I’ve been on hold for an hour. I've been calling for days. I need some help.

Operator: And why are you calling?

JB: I told you. The computer told me I needed to call in.

Operator: I need the dates you worked.

JB: Can you give me the dates of Sundays in August? That’s when I certified. I don't have a calendar in front of me. All I can give you are the Sundays I certified on the computer.

Operator: I have those but they are on another screen.

JB: Can you look?

Operator: Why are you calling?

JB: Oh my god.

Operator: I’m filling out another claim for NuTimes, since you don’t work there.

JB: I do work there. I told you. I still work there. I worked there before I worked at the other paper, The Bethlehem Hardly News, the paper that I no longer work at.

Operator: What is your supervisor’s name?

JB: At the NuTimes it's Clarissa Del Curto.

Operator: What’s that? I can’t hear you.

JB: Clarissa Del Curto.

Operator: Sir, I need you to stop yelling.

JB: I’m not yelling. I just don’t think you are listening to me.

Operator: Spell the name.

JB: C-L-A-R-I-S-S-A D-E-L-C-U-R-T-O.

Operator: I’m going to send out another claim because you don’t work there anymore.

JB: But I do work there. I have worked and continue to work there.

Operator: Then why are you calling?

JB: Oy Vey.

Operator: Is there anything else I can help you with.

JB: Yes, why haven’t I received a check yet.

Operator: It says you have holds on your account. Why do you have holds on your account?

JB: I don’t know. That’s why I asked.

Operator: It says you were terminated from your last job.

JB: I was. That’s why I’m trying to get benefits.

Operator: And you’re working part time.

JB: I’m freelancing. It’s not much money. I put it on the form because I didn’t want to leave it off, wanted to be honest. It can’t even be qualified as part time. It’s on a per article basis. It’s not rent money.

Operator: A adjudicator should be in touch with you about that. It takes six to eight weeks.

JB: Someone called me about that weeks ago. I told someone about the freelancing weeks ago.

Operator: Then why are you calling?

JB: Really? Are you serious?

Operator: It takes six to eight weeks.

JB: I think it’s been almost that long. I’ve been out of work that long.

Operator: It’s been seven weeks.

JB: So another week.

Operator: Why are you calling today?

JB: Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

Operator: Is there anything else I can help you with?

JB: What’s your name?

Operator: It’s [garbled]. Is there anything else I can help you with?

JB: No. No. No.

Operator: Have a nice—

[John Hangs up. Fade to Black]

V.19 No.4 | 1/28/2010

Today: Get a Job

Is the economy improving, or isn't it? Numbers and predictions are being thrown around like aimless pebbles, and millions of Americans are still without jobs. To remedy the situation, the U.S. Census Beureau is holding a job fair at the John Marshall Center (1500 Walter SE) today from 9 a.m to 4 p.m. A variety of full- and part-time positions promise to be available to hundreds of thousands of people, boasting great pay and flexible scheduling. After all, those bills are doing a pretty crappy job of paying themselves. For more information, visit 2010censusjobs.gov or call 1-866-861-2010

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    YOU / ABANDONED MANSIONS10.31.2014