Good afternoon, people of the internet! It's almost Friday, which means absolutely nothing to people who work weekends!
The Ringling Bros. finally admit maybe having wild elephants as part of their circus isn’t really that cool.
A 91 year-old woman who was told as a girl she wouldn’t be able to pursue engineering, has landed her dream job as a design consultant specializing in products geared towards the elderly. TAKE THAT, AGEISM AND SEXISM!
Prince played basketball in middle school and his yearbook photo is going to make your Thursday.
Everyone knows the top emojis are the poop, the partying ghost and the monkey covering her eyes. Some genius made an emoji poop dress and it’s all I want this year for my birthday.
Take a lunch break every damn day!
Early voting begins today.
Here's a rundown on the money spent so far by organizations on both sides of the abortion ban measure.
The signs are everywhere. Beware Nob Hill's "Threat from above!"
This woman in North Dakota found a new way to make kids cry on Halloween.
Here's a list of reasons people were denied security clearances with the Department of Defense. Go ahead, do a search for "sex," you know you want to.
Don't dress up as these things for Halloween, please.
How the Ouija Board named itself, and other fascinating tidbits from the history of this peculiar "game."
I riff to a group of strangers on the prevalence of ghosts at Disneyworld. I notice a woman's eyes flash orange, alternating right and left, as she listens to me.
I continuously smash flat rocks with my rubbery sledge hammer, forcing an old sailor to tell me about the spirits I am conjuring by doing so.
I live in a haunted apartment: furniture and propane tanks move toward me, menacingly. I pray fervently. I know am protected now and my fear is stilled. Later, I tell a black kid about the incident.
A man was cooked to death in a tuna factory.
The world’s greatest dad in pictures.
A home invasion prank turned tragic.
There’s been an increase in birth defects in Iraq.
Call the sexy meningitis hotline.
I can’t stop thinking about hamburgers.
Enjoy these ghost photos.
Albuquerque is experiencing 18% office vacancy.
Calibers is conducting a coyote killing contest.
There was a crazy house party on Atrisco.
Happy birthday Penny Marshall.
El Paso was ranked safest city in the USA.
The FCC prefers net neutrality.
A toddler fell to his death at a Lakers game.
Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah is coming to the U.S. for medical treatment. Keep Toby Keith away from him.
Be Seeing You: the military launched a Large Ass Spy Satellite.
Wild tigers could become extinct in 12 years.
Ireland needs a bailout, can’t find pot o’ gold.
HBO destroyed an ecosystem filming Game of Thrones.
Behold the giant Jesus statue.
Watch the new creepy ghost video.
There’s a broken water main at Lead and Broadway.
Coors and I-40 will be named after Bill Richardson. It’s that tricky exit that’s hard to catch.
Burque cartoonist Andy Kuhn makes good with Firebreather.
Happy birthday, Terry Gilliam.
I arrive home from work and pull into the driveway of our new, foothills bungalow. It is early evening. G sits on the front steps and looks straight up in the air. There is a black hang-glider circling directly above. A flock of ravens follows him closely. A white hang-glider followed by white birds joins him. They circle together high above us like a spinning yin-yang symbol. Suddenly, the white glider plummets to earth like a rocket and lands somewhere behind our house. I dash around back, worried that he may have landed on a neighbor's roof and I won't be able to find him. A little girl runs toward me from behind the neighbor houses yelling "call Lovelace!". I don't have my keys with me so I decide to save some time by entering our house through a back window. I start to crawl through but find I first must move a bunch of little bottles and plants out of the way. "Fuck it", I say and crawl back out. I run around to the front door. Once inside, I begin to search frantically for the yellow pages. I search all the drawers in our antique white credenza, but find only place mats, candles and small toys. I recall that G told me where she had planned to put the new phone books but now I don't remember. Finally, I locate them in a stack on the floor by the couch. I look up Lovelace and find the number for the emergency room. Above it I see the number for "Ambulance": 15000. With cordless phone in hand I start pushing buttons but soon realize the phone has buttons on both sides and I have been using the wrong side. Now I've forgotten the number and have to look it up again. I start to dial on the wrong side again but catch myself this time and flip it over. I call the number and a woman answers. Now flustered, I can't remember our new house number or even our street name. I run outside to look at our house number: 64, 65, 134f, 3900. I ask the woman to hold while I run up the street to check the street sign on the first cross street. When I reach the sign, it reads "this sign has been removed due to vandalism". Below the sign is another carved into a log that says "Thistle and Spinner Bait Shoppe ->". It has a carved picture of Smokey the Bear in waders fishing in a stream. I hadn't noticed it until now, but on the other side of our street a raging mountain stream has been flowing. I enter the crowded little bait shop, phone still in hand, and ask the first guy I see what street this is. "Cabo ______", he says. He is standing next to the curly-haired guy who played the crazed sailor who heard ghosts tapping in a sunken submarine in an old Twilight Zone episode. It is now completely dark and the phone seems to have gone dead.
Duck inside Nob Hill’s best-kept secret passageway and the first side-room to appear is the Magic and Juggling Shop—a zany bazaar where trick kits entice from glass cases, sleight-of-hand artists trade tips, how-to DVDs perch next to packaged rubber vomit and snippets of esoteric conversation may include, “Sorry, we just sold out of Bite Coin.”