Seven Cheap Valentine’s Gift Ideas
1) Create a picture of a candy heart that says something dirty. I made mine say Ass Wipe and I’m going to send it to the Lady. Remember, though: it’s only a picture. It’s not real.
2) You can write an I Saw You ad on Love Bird and it will run in the Alibi next week. It’s free. If you read one that says something something Ass Wipe, that’s from me. It’s for you.
3) The oldest trick in the book: draw a picture.
4) Write a shitty poem about witches.
5) Make a tiny terrarium inside a lightbulb.
6) Two words: back rub.
7) Find some pretty rocks in the driveway.
Can You Spell "Applesack"?
If you and your loved ones are ripe for some word-sparring fun, this cheap and all-too-adorable X-mas giftette adds a touch of learned intelligence to the sauce. It’s the Scrabble Apple, ($9.95 at Barnes and Noble.) a miniature pile of scrabble tiles and a tiny rule book all smashed into a fuzzy ‘lil bag shaped like an apple. This diminutive fruit sack is great if you are too broke to afford the regulation-sized Scrabble board and, the kicker…it’s portable. And it will look only slightly less stupid than carrying around your Scrabble pieces in a Crown Royal Bag.
Crafty Lady: Anne Taintor
An attitude is a terrible thing to waste
No doubt you've seen Anne Taintor's goods. Her images of smiling women from '30s, '40s and '50s ads coupled with sassy lines such as, "I feel a sin coming on" and "Guess where I'm tattooed" adorn products as diverse and useful as emery boards, pill boxes, cosmetic bags and, thankfully, flasks (all priced from $4.50 to $25). But did you know that Taintor's a local girl? She's been designing her wares out of Abiquiu since 1985. Her line is available anywhere anything awesome is sold and at annetaintor.com. What says "I get you" to your new-mom friend more than a bag embossed with "Wow! I get to give birth AND change diapers!"? Nothing. Except maybe that flask ...