V.23 No.17 |
The Daily Word in motel bees, botched executions and RIP Bob Hoskins
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed Apr 30 2014 9:26 AM ]
It's Wednesday, April 30th,
and the Albuquerque Environmental Health Department thinks you should stay inside and keep your windows closed today,
security guards at the abandoned De Anza Motel on Central and Washington have discovered that the historic building's walls are filled with thousands and thousands of bees,
and trailer park residents, animal welfare officers and city crews all worked for hours yesterday to try and rescue a cat that appeared to be stuck in a storm drain, only to discover that the cat had already left by the time they opened the grate.
Meanwhile, the state of Oklahoma failed to painlessly execute a man with an untested drug cocktail; instead, the man writhed and cried out in agony for twenty minutes before finally dying of a "massive heart attack,"
and antibiotic resistant bacteria have now spread to every part of the world, prompting the WHO to declare "a major global threat,"
actor Bob Hoskins, best known for playing the non-cartoon human in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, has died of pneumonia at age 71,
and a man in Maine called the police after two escaped goats refused to get down off the top of his Ford Focus. "I guess goats like climbing on cars," said Police Chief Scott McMaster.
Have a great day!
V.23 No.11 |
The Daily Word in one-star reviews, Christopher Walken's spectacular dancing and strange plumes in the New Mexico sky
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed Mar 19 2014 10:14 AM ]
It's Wednesday morning,
and a strange plume flashed across radar near the Trinity nuclear test site and nobody knows what it means,
APD will soon elaborate on how their use of "less than lethal force" still managed to kill a man in the Sandia foothills,
Assistant city attorney Greg Wheeler advises that you not pay parking tickets issued by private parking lots, while private parking lot owners advise that you not listen to Greg Wheeler,
Albuquerque's own Supper Truck is getting national attention for responding to a negative review in an adorable way
San Francisco has rounded up a crack troop of firefighting goats,
and Christopher Walken just keeps dancing and dancing.
V.23 No.5 |
The Daily Word in Phillip Seymour Hoffman, the origin of the Universe and goat simulation
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed Feb 5 2014 8:14 AM ]
Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ken Ham the Creationist Man finally went head to head in the "origin of the Universe" debate last night. Condensed version: Ham thinks God did it, while Nye says something doesn't add up about that whole Noah's Ark business.
Some New Mexicans are freaked out by the snow that fell this week. They say it doesn't melt. I was going to test this myself but all the snow, um, melted.
CVS is no longer enabling your nicotine addiction. But the guy hanging out in the parking lot will be happy to help you try something harder.
Overnight raids by the NYPD uncovered drug dealing suspects with a possible connection to Philip Seymour Hoffman's death.
Maybe you're feeling a little schlubby this morning and you wonder if it's because Mercury is in retrograde. Here's a way for you to find out.
Big news in the video game world: the people's desire to pretend to be a goat will not go unanswered. Coffee Stain Studio's Goat Simulator may soon enter Beta development.
V.22 No.49 |
The Daily Word in cemetery Christmas trees, a not-so-terrible pope and Bubba the rogue goat
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed Dec 11 2013 9:57 AM ]
Christmas will be here before you know it, but that's no excuse to steal trees from dead people.
After seeing how much fun Albuquerque had with it, Valencia County is considering an abortion ban of its own.
North Carolina police have successfully captured Bubba the rogue goat. APD take note: they didn't shoot him.
109 gun related state laws have been passed since the Newtown massacre. 70 of them loosened restrictions.
Another Albuquerque restaurant decided that it could cut costs by not paying its employees the legal minimum wage. But it turns out that the Feds look down on that sort of thing.
Should the teachings of the church be allowed in the public square? What if it's the Church of Satan?
For those who have been too often stymied by the choice between playing a board game and handling dead rodents, here's the chess set you've been waiting for.
Pope Francis has been named Time's Person of the Year due to his incredible achievement of not being completely terrible.
V.22 No.33 |
The Daily Word in epic mustaches, tasteless paternity tests and heroic bookkeepers
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed Aug 21 2013 9:30 AM ]
A school shooting was thwarted by empathy and compassion.
An Albuquerque man is a sensation on Breaking Bad. Because of his epic mustache.
It's super lame that "blue moons" are in no way blue.
Has a young girl just been rescued from a psychotic creep who killed her family? What a great time to demand a paternity test!
What do you have to do to get banned from every farm in the UK? Fuck a goat? Oh.
NASA is selling off the huge crawlers it used to transport space shuttles to the Cape Canaveral launch platform. They'll probably go to a company in the private space industry, but if you act quickly you might be able to snag one. Shoot them an offer at public-
And finally, SEO + Google = crappy information.
V.22 No.32 |
The Daily Word in auto thefts, baby creepers and the KKK
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed Aug 14 2013 10:57 AM ]
APS to consider a new bathroom policy for transgender students.
Who's watching your baby? For these Houston parents, the answer was "some creepy hacker." He was also yelling at the baby.
Werner Herzog says "Don't text and drive." And it sounds awesome when he says it.
Wondering what Susana Martinez is spending your tax money on? New Mexico In Depth has compiled a searchable data base to answer that question.
A day in the life of the Ku Klux Klan.
Albuquerque thieves love to steal trucks.
And my favorite headline of the week: Goats are eating and peeing all over J. Edgar Hoover’s grave.
V.22 No.19 |
The Daily Word in high flying, Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi, and goats riding horses
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed May 15 2013 9:29 AM ]
Summer is here and it's time to jump in the water. Free swim lessons for low-income kids!
Unlicensed pilot busted at Double Eagle for flying too high. Or something. I'm not sure how to make this joke actually. He had a plane full of pot, is what I'm trying to say.
Under Susana Martinez, the New Mexico Environment Department isn't so worried about New Mexico's environment. Here's one more example.
Another U.S. Army official whose job is to stop sexual assault has been charged with sexual assault.
The media doesn't think the Obama administration's assault on civil liberties is so minor when it's happening to them.
Maybe those Benghazi emails were doctored?
And finally, visit Newfoundland. Because of this goat riding on a horse.
V.22 No.11 |
The Daily Word in Gay Marriage, Goat-splosions and Snotwinkles
By Ty Bannerman [ Wed Mar 20 2013 10:35 AM ]
Hey, guess what? We can all stop arguing about same-sex marriage in New Mexico, because it turns out that it's totally protected by the state constitution! Shwew. So glad that we finally settled that one.
The area around the Pit won't be the pits anymore.
Speaking of assholes, Sandy Hook truthers are still insisting that those kids never got killed. Won't their parents be relieved.
The Westboro "God Hates Fags" Baptist Church is really warming up to the new rainbow colored house across the street.
Why are goat populations exploding? Global warming.
And finally: Who wants snotwinkles?!?
V.21 No.44 |
The Daily Word in voting for Lance Kerwin, Chad Kroeger and baby goats.
By Nick Brown [ Tue Nov 6 2012 9:27 AM ]
Don't pee on your lawn in Oklahoma.
Chad Kroeger commands you to look at this photograph.
There's a man-eating leopard on the loose in Nepal.
Let's all try this glowing black light cocktail.
Five technological leaps are coming soon.
A Santa Fe boy didn't want to clean his room.
Albuquerque fire stations for sale.
The Ether Man is expected to plead guilty.
Happy birthday, Lance Kerwin.
V.20 No.31 |
The Daily Word 8.6.11: The new trend is "swatting," kids; Australian collar bomb hoax; Cha Cha is dead.
By Geoffrey Plant [ Sat Aug 6 2011 8:05 PM ]
The last American harmonica factory is closing.
Transgendered TSA agent files suit against TSA for treating her like a man.
What the lower U.S. credit rating might mean.
Austrian drain pipe hotel.
Smuggling pot in an ultralight....
Half of a missing early Hitchock film was found in New Zealand.
Cha Cha from Grease, aka Annette Charles, died.
V.19 No.43 |
The Daily Word 10.29.10: Deputy gets bombed, bears get shot, casino gets hosed
By John Bear [ Fri Oct 29 2010 12:08 AM ]
Video of deputy getting arrested for DWI. Priceless.
You can now shoot more bears, and cougars. That's not cool, man.
Oh my god, the deputy getting arrested is just too funny.
Dude shoots other dude, gets no jail time.
Sandia Casino gets hosed for $1.2 million.
Four-year-old can be sued for negligence, judge says.
Killer goat was not sick, just horny.
Halliburton implicated in BP well failure. Surprised?
Somali militants execute teenage girls.
Allen Iverson to play basketball in Turkey.
Pope says Stephen Hawking is wrong, God created the world. God not available for comment.
Hamlet at Vortex Theatre
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