There are not a lot of reasons that we here at the Albuquerque Weekly Alibi would pay attention to an independent sheriff candidate in Virginia, but it looks like an embarrassingly stilted, way too long "rap video" by said candidate will do the trick.
Who is Chris DeCarlo and what does he stand for? A quick glance at the press release he sent us tells us that he wants to fight another Battle of Manassas and, in general, "fix America" by reigniting the "War Between the States." Which seems a little counter-intuitive, but maybe we just don't get Virginia politics.
A viewing of his video further informs us that he stands for horse riding, vest-wearing and an overall platform of old white guys playing cowboy. And rapping.
So, um, if any of that sounds good to you and you live in Virginia, maybe vote for him? As for us, we're glad we don't have to deal with this particular king of crazy out here in New Mexico. But keep up the good work, Virginia! We are very entertained. And just a little scared.
This week's contest simultaneously melted our hearts and brains. It's hard to decide a winner when every dang picture is the cutest thing on planet earth.
Here's a few of our favorites:
But since there can only be one winner, we all agreed Instagram user amandastclaire's picture turned our hearts into applesauce!
Congratulations, amandastclaire! We have $10 alibi bucks for you and a surprise waiting for you at our office! You can email firstname.lastname@example.org to redeem your prizes!
Stay tuned for next week's photo contest guidelines!
Joel McHale has been chosen to host the White House Correspondents dinner. It might get a little “Soup”-y.
Oscar Pistorius is “consumed by sorrow” over the fatal shooting of his girlfriend.
Word to the wise: If you don't pay your premiums, you don't keep your insurance.
A former teacher is accused of phoning in a bomb threat to the school he used to work at. Where do they find these people?
So wait … does Viagra help horses run faster? So where should I place my bets? But let's keep this on the hush-hush, know what I'm saying?
Just in case you're getting flavored condoms for tonight …
Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin just bought the Jean Cocteau theater in Santa Fe. “I’ve always loved movies and I’ve always loved old theaters,” he said, as naked prostitutes writhed around him in a way that didn't really seem to advance the plot.
Despite the opposition of the Obama administration, the wrath of PETA and a voicemail in-box full of death threats, Valley Meat Co. in Roswell is one step closer to slaughtering horses.
It turns out the Elvis impersonator did not, in fact, mail ricin laced letters to the President. Suspicions now fall on his nemesis, the evil martial arts instructor, Master Dutschke. Somehow, this is real.
The Post Office is super mad at Lance Armstrong.
And, as always, when it comes to big news, remember to look for a second source.
A smiling tribute to American blubber was stolen from Dairy Queen.
Horse owners like N.M. horse slaughterhouse.
Ex-APD officer who kicked a suspect in the head a bunch of times wants his job back.
Kofi Annan quits gig as Syrian peace envoy because no one's got his back.
Bone marrow transplants eradicate HIV.
What Robyn Lawley—the prestigious plus-size lacy underpants model—eats.
The lady who takes pictures of babies dressed like flowers and peas and things is totally nuts. (Satire)
The Olympic rings as fascinating infographics for nerds like me.
Is being an Olympic gymnast any fun anymore?
Swimmer Ryan Lochte digs one night stands, says his mom.
Kayla Harrison becomes the first American to win the gold in Judo.
How not to write about female musicians.
"Doctor Who" trailer for series 7 features dinosaurs.
Egypt's high court orders that its parliament be dissolved.
Officers stumble across starving horses while looking for a man with a gun.
APD used stun guns, bean bag rounds and a police dog in the arrest of a 60-year-old man. Judge says: Pay up.
"Game of Thrones" sorry about using President Bush's head in scene about heads on pikes.
When is it OK to shoot someone in Albuquerque?
Drake and Chris Brown maybe got in a fist fight at a NY club, say police.
State's paying too much in jail and prison contracts.
Lara Croft to be put through harrowing attempted gang rape in Tomb Raider reboot so male players will feel compelled to protect her.
After a series of workers who make Apple products committed suicide, the company attempted to improve conditions. Yesterday, another worker committed suicide.
We're going to spy on Africa more.
Wine glass chess set makes for classiest drinking game ever.
Movies for women turn huge profits. So why doesn't Hollywood want to make those films? asks Meryl Streep.
Burger King's bacon sundae.
Ditch your car, city-dweller, and buy this folding pod on wheels.
African American father and son say they were racially profiled, and APD took $17,000 in cash off their hands for no good reason.
Neil Armstrong almost never does interviews, but he spoke with Australian accountants about his trip to the moon.
Ad-Rock talks about MCA's death.
Who puts in the most hours at work, country-wise? How do you stack up?
KRQE scrutinizes New Mexico's pork barrel projects.
George Zimmerman was pretty tight with Sanford police.
Top two Mexican cartels stage public massacres to taunt authorities and frighten civilians.
Office break rooms are disgusting pits of germs, says guy who cares.
There may be no daily newspaper in New Orleans after The Times-Picayune announces cutback plans.
The company that owns Chicago's daily bought its weekly. (That's like the Journal purchasing the Alibi.)
Tennessee walking horse trainer pleads guilty to cruelty.
Egypt is voting for president for the first time.
Can the human race tell aliens from gods?
MIT alleviates an age-old human frustration: getting ketchup out of the bottle.
Kentucky Derby winner’s owner has been accused of drugging his horses.
Trash on your sidewalk?
Jon Stewart on the Prez’ gay marriage stance.
The guy who was accused of shooting a speeding-ticket van in Santa Fe got released.
Further proof on why Florida sucks.
And why Texas also sucks.
It’s horseshoe crab orgy season!
South African apes like getting hammered and messing with stupid tourists.
This 70-year-old who claims to be a virgin is awesome, and also batshit crazy.
Beastie Boys “Chappelle Show” video you probably haven’t seen.
By now you’ve read the New York Times article on the ills of the horse-racing industry nationwide. The report spotlights New Mexico has having some of the worst rates of illegal drugging and injuries to steeds and jockeys alike. In this week’s news section, Christie Chisholm spotlights animal rights activists, who, in the aftermath of the exposé, are trying to help.
The thing that hooked Debbie Coburn into nonprofit horse care: a 50,000-horse-long pee line. That’s the odd name for a controversial practice. Coburn explains that pregnant mares excrete a hormone in their urine that can be readily absorbed by humans. “There are pharmaceutical companies who buy the urine from farmers who collect it,” she says. The companies extract the hormone from PMU (pregnant mare urine) and put it in hormone replacement therapy drugs.
I am watching a parade. There are horses with hats and painted elephants. I think I see my sister-in-law and try to rewind the dream to make sure. Now there is an all-child marching band dressed in white shoes and red sequins. Somewhere a kid shouts "Peanuts!"
Trayvon Martin's parents say video of George Zimmerman the night of the shooting show Zimmerman wasn't seriously injured.
Congressman tries to wear a hoodie on the House floor, gets escorted out.
CEO's saw pay raises last year.
KOB busts Housing Authority director getting her nails done on Fridays while driving the agency's car. She got a raise, too.
Jerome Block Jr. is on probation and out of jail.
Starbucks uses crushed bugs in Strawberries and Creme Frappuccinos.
Video of horses so weak they can't stand in Los Lunas auction house. Commenters say people bring them in that way because they can't take care of them.
If the Supreme Court throws out health reform, will Obama be re-elected?
A picture of a billion stars.
The pope and the Castros did not find common ground.