It’s Hannukah. My parents invited the children up to their place last night to celebrate with a glazed ham. We’re those kinds of Jews. That is to say, we’re the Albuquerque sort of Jewish, which is much like the Albuquerque sort of Catholic—we love the gift-giving holidays and the food and the iconography, but we really can’t deal with the actual religion part. Also, we’re half-Catholic.
Pork is treif, off-limits to the chosen sons of Abraham. This is also proof that God has a terrific sense of humor, since He gave everyone I’ve met in His minions an unrequited love for bacon.
For Hannukah, since I have some making up to do, I give to you “In the business of making traif: My year in a pork rind factory” on JWeekly.com. I also give you Jews4Bacon.com, a store that peddles merchandise emblazoned with the baconated Star of David (or “Star of Bacon”) below:
Deuteronomy may have been right about a few things. It’s true, we shouldn’t have eaten pelicans, and we still shouldn’t. But bacon is delicious, and pigs are a lot cleaner than you think. Chickens and cows are dirty at least. And we’re allowed to eat stuffed derma? Derma? Who made these rules anyway? I don’t think they’ll make anything delicious out of pelicans, but c’mon. Bacon? Show your support for bacon and its deliciousness and buy some of our great and ever-expanding line of merchandise. JEWS FOR BACON—because they didn’t have bacon back then.
And finally, I give you a picture quiz that identifies some of the animals that are verboten to snack on in Judaism. I like how when you pick the wrong answer, it tells you “No! Bear meat is not kosher!” Just like grandma used to.