In an attempt to rein in expenses after the unfortunate loss of my job, (I believe it was captured by hack pirates in choppy waters off of the Rio Abajo.) I switched medications.
The pill I usually take to fend off unpleasant thoughts regarding the amount of perceived bodily fluids in my Hot Pockets doesn’t work well anyway and costs $120 a bottle without insurance.
My sanity is not worth that much, so I began dating the older sister of my usual pill, a bargain at four dollars a bottle. The new pill made me feel both tired and nervous, two unpleasant sensations now available at the same time.
I tried cutting the pills in half and now seem to be half as nervous and 63 percent less tired (this amount of self analysis is exhausting, by the way.) The only problem: being too tired to think did prevent any invasive thoughts about theoretical fluids being present in frozen foods or condiments. That’s back. Yay.
If only I could start smoking again. I never had any of these problems when I sucked down 33 Marlboros a day. My clothes had holes burned all over them and there was that pesky lesion in the back of my throat, but no fluids.
Smoking is not an option, however. At seven dollars per pack, two packs a day, I would have to resort to petty theft to get my smoke on. This would undoubtedly lead to prison, where they would give me the generic sister of my crazy pills. The net result would be the same except the fluids in the food would be quite real.