The News You Missed
We scoop up what our competition won't touch
Once again, it's time for the Alibi's managing editor, me, to dig through the deluge of press releases that come flooding into our email account so I can bring you the stories that our competition isn't brave enough to cover!
Hi Ty, In January the Huffington Post boldly claimed that 2015 is the year of chickpea flour.
Holy shit, 2015 is the year of chickpea flour. And here I am scarfing down bagfuls of sorghum flour like an ignorant rube. Anyway, for those of you who are celebrating this important year, the author of the press release would like to direct your attention to this, the Chickpea Flour Cookbook.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The Purcell Tire and Service Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico, moved its location in September of 2015.
Didn't see that one in the pages of the Free Press, did you?
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Trigger Electric Bull Horn
This horn man. This horn offers "maximum power in a compact, rugged, bright red package." This horn is loud, and you know it's loud, because Trigger Air Horn's slogan is "Go Loud or Go Home." And they certainly aren't going home. Why? Because THEY ARE GOING LOUD INSTEAD. SO LOUD.
Also, "they are so loud they are not for sale in North Dakota and Wyoming."
Check out their not-very-loud facebook page here. IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT!!!
This Is Making Your Herpes Recovery IMPOSSIBLE
First of all, this subject line is pretty presumptuous. But it's got nothing on the squirm-inducing body of the email, which can be nicely encapsulated in this quote from the release: "A recent scientific discovery now found how the virus can be 'flushed out' of his cranny."
No word on what the cranny-flushing scientific discovery is, or for that matter how we know that herpes is a he. There's a web link included, but I'm not going to post it here because I'm pretty sure that going there will give your computer herpes.
Important information from the e-mail archive
Sad to say, we here at the Alibi aren’t omniscient. In fact, we can barely even keep up with the press releases that appear in our email inboxes, let alone the doings of all sources of knowledge and information in the universe.
Recently, we decided to stop trying to be omniscient. And then, right after that, we decided to stop trying to keep up with our email in-boxes.
BUT there are still some press releases that get sent to us which for whatever reason we can't fit into the print edition of the paper, but still might be interesting to our readers.
So, here it is, the inaugural roundup of The News You Missed, where the Alibi rescues important press release headlines from the dustbin history.
This headline pretty much sums up why I am not a vegan. But if you're a vegan who loves powder, this is relevant to your interests!
Are you Alibi readers aware of how to behave safely around lead?
Rule #1: Don't eat lead.
Rule #2: Don’t feed it to your baby.
Rule #3: Just leave lead alone. Because you may be tempted to eat it or feed it to your baby.
In conclusion, fuck lead.
Tailgating Story: Throw a Pizza on the Grill
Unfortunately, I can't find a website with this important press release on it, but rest assured that throwing a pizza on a grill is a thing you can do, and a publicist out there thinks it would make a great story.
Sorry, New York, but this happened and there’s nothing anybody can do about it now.
There it is, the News You Missed, gathered up into one convenient blog package so that you, our beloved readers, may now go about the rest of your life as a slightly more informed member of the public. You're welcome.
Check back next Friday for more News You Missed!