Science confirmed yesterday that late afternoon sucks. (Also, that the world collectively experiences emotion over days, weeks and seasons. Scientists tracked it with social media.)
With that in mind, I give you this video, guaranteed to make your 3:30 p.m. a little easier. The Alibi’s got your back.
There are two pretend guvs on Twitter.
At least, the Alibi hopes they're pretend. Because no one should outlaw Don Schrader's booty shorts. Our official editorial policy is firmly in favor of those shorts. Anonymous sources confirm: The other apparel option is nekkidness.
Susana2014 aims to offer insight into Martinez' internal world.
SusanaLaTejana writes in haiku.
In actual news, real ex-Gov. Bill Richardson is pissed at real Gov. Martinez for being disrespectful to him.
There's also a fake CoachLocksley.
And a clearly labeled FakeAbqPolice.
Know of any other satirical Twitters?
While perusing the sweatshop-produced underthings at Retail-Giant-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named recently, I stumbled upon a product that absolutely delighted my inner capitalist: diabetes socks.
A staggering number of people have diabetes. People with diabetes buy socks.
Ergo: diabetes socks.
The beautiful calligraphy on the product’s purple packaging alerted me to the fact that these were diabetes socks for her. The self-described “health socks” claim to promote circulation via a “non-binding top.” In other words, these socks achieve their therapeutic effects by fitting poorly.
At $8 a pop, diabetes socks for her make a pricey little stocking stuffer. Come to think of it, why not just nail a diabetes sock to the mantle and use it as a stocking? Maybe Santa will stuff it with Levamir insulin pens (up to $600 per box), a month’s supply of the oral diabetes medication Actos ($230 for the lowest dose), and a new kidney (priceless).
Diabetes socks inspire me, and chances are they inspire you too. So do you want to stimulate the economy and fight disease this holiday season? Check out my new line of home health products hitting shelves just in time for the holiday season. These featured products make terrific gifts, so pick one up at your neighborhood Retail-Giant-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named today!
Depression recliner for her: Made from special resilient materials that can withstand constant pressure from the prone bodies of the emotionally immobilized. Mood-lifting color options include mauve and spring blossom.
“Down There” infection toilet for her: Built-in chemical sensors alert users to vaginal, urinary, or sexually transmitted infections. Bonus: detects pregnancy. Choose from enchanting colors like winter ivory and baby’s bottom.
Elevated BMI panties for her: Silken, moisture-wicking fabric won’t irritate abdominal or gluteal folds. Colors include whispering kitten and sleeping child.
Anemia cookware for her: Now you can treat your iron-deficiency anemia without leaving your kitchen! Iron-clad cooking surface with heat-resistant handles in stunning red finish.
Heart disease dental floss for her: Research shows that flossing helps prevent heart disease. Exploiting that fact on your product’s package makes it even more true! Fluffy texture won’t hurt fingers or gums. You are a woman, so floss like one! Comes in fun colors like pinched cheek, downy rose and newborn cry,
Alcoholism SUV for her: Clinically proven to help you drive off your hangover AND get your kids to school on time. Sleek exterior, spacious interior, and standard features like GPS, DVD player, and minibar. Four classic colors: Champagne, cool cosmo, boxed wine and Morning After.
Anti-aging full body condom for her: Protect yourself from harmful environmental exposures like sun, pollution, and contact with others. In flattering colors like Little Black Dress, prowling cougar, bashful blush, fancy flirt, gentle sigh, and estrogen.
Breast cancer beer for her: OMG IT’S PINK!!!!!!!!
Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor arrested after being accused of raping a 15-year-old girl.
No detailed environmental analysis of the Gulf of Mexico drilling op. Government was pretty sure an oil spill was unlikely.
The red-light cameras will stay up for a while longer.
Round one of health reform might not put a big dent in the number of uninsured N.M. people.
PBS talk show host Tavis Smiley gives Richardson a hard time after the guv says Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer and Sen. John McCain are nice people.
Same-sex Massachusetts couples go to court today to ask that their marriages be recognized by the federal government.
North Valley man arrested more than 100 times for alcohol-related incidents. Only one was a DWI.
Drones secretly allowed to attack more targets in Pakistan, including suspected militants whose names are not known.
The House minority leader's name is John A. Boehner. He'll deliver "the toughest critique by a Republican leader of the Obama administration's approach to terrorism."
Times Square bomb suspect cooperative, says Attorney General Eric Holder.
Congress has Wall Street on the ropes.
Facebook's embarrassing security hole.
Grow a garden on a wall.
G*&$#S&m Mother*$%*!g Supreme Court
Hi everyone! As my first truly official act as Editor in Chief, I'm instituting a new companywide mandate: Personal Freedom Minutes! During Personal Freedom Minutes, I encourage you all to take the last 10 to 15 minutes before 5 p.m. on Wednesday to do whatever it is that satisfies your unique senses of Personal Freedom. Whether that's brushing your hair, eating candy purchased from a company-approved dispensary or speaking above a hoarse whisper, these Minutes are yours and yours alone to engage in, so long as they don't interfere with any other employee's Personal Freedom Minutes; company policy; local, state and national law; or international sanctions. So go ahead, enjoy your remaining 5 Minutes of Personal Freedom! You’ve earned it.
Last night, a late ’50s businessman was talking to a very similar man over dinner while their wives held their own private conversation. Words like “proactive” were used. The passionate business sentiment that nearly forced miso through my sinuses went something like:
“The stool has three legs: Hard work, ambition and positive attitude. Without one of those legs, the stool only has two legs. And it just falls over. It just FALLS OVER. I rest my case!”
The Stool of Success, friends.
Cousin to the Triumphant Ottoman and its four stumpy, righteous legs: justice, fairness, rules and right.
Neighbor to the Office Chair of Achievement and its four determined wheels: goal-creation, talent, proficiency and performance.
In the same motivational family as the Fainting Couch of Favorable Outcomes and its three velvet cushions: luck, lethargy and low-ball estimations.
Best friend to the Nightstand of Just Getting By and its drawers of depression, grit and faint hope.
I smell a Disney film coming on. Wait, didn’t they already do talking furniture?
Make your own motivational furniture analogies!
I rest my case.