Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the graphgasmographical data stream comes to a drippy end. Some things I learned about Burqueños: The vast majority have made out with strangers, yet haven’t caught a sexually-transmitted disease. Hmm. They also wouldn’t be caught dead smoking after sex. No surprise there, seeing how high “bad breath” scored on the turn-offs list. There’s a statistical dead heat on the importance of penis size and on having fooled around with a co-worker—so you may as well just flip a coin. The pro-anal-sex camp outnumbers the “once” or “never” camp by a healthy margin. But, more romantically, most people are not interested in an open relationship and would stick with their current partner for that one-last-shtup before the world ends—and furthermore, most have kept friendly with their ex-partners-in-crime. How warm and fuzzy.
So what does that say about Albuquerque? Promiscuous yet hygienic? Faithful yet forgiving? Free-thinking yet conservative? Who the hell knows? I’m just glad you’re all out there keeping things sexy for the rest of us. Let’s do it again sometime.
Have you ever made out with a stranger?
Have you had sex with a boss or co-worker?
Have you ever caught a Sexually Transmitted Disease?
Have you tried anal sex?
If the world were ending, would you have sex with your partner or someone else?
Would you consider an open sexual relationship?
The eternal question: Does penis size matter?
Are you generally on friendly terms with your exes?
This installment tells us many things: Those who are satisfied are the largest voting bloc, but those who aren’t outnumber them. Sharing sex fantasies is more popular than not sharing them. A lot of people have experimented with an alternate gender sex partner, but most haven’t. Cybersex is way too out there for most Burqueños—we prefer phone sex even though it’s not 1995 anymore. And talking dirty is near-universally accepted as the lingua franca of the bedroom. In fact, it may be what binds us together as a race.
On a related note, when the term “Burqueños” is used, we really mean “the 1,405 people who took all or part of our survey, 486 of whom are 22-30 years old and most of whom (969) are under 40.” In case that wasn’t obvious, I mean.
Are you satisfied with your current sexual situation?
Do you share your sexual fantasies with your partner?
Have you had a sexual encounter outside the gender you're used to?
Welcome back to the unscientific sharing of self-reported sexual proclivities of Albuquerque residents. This stuff is straight out of the SurveyMonkey data banks (you can also blame them for the cheesy infographic look), so I don’t want to hear any more complaints about histograms, telegrams or candygrams. This is as scientific as it’s gonna get.
The main take-aways here? Alibi readers do it frequently, probably more often than they floss their teeth. They do it together and they do it alone. They have no fear of employing power tools or other prosthetic devices, and they “sometimes” like to mix it up with booze and illicit substances. In other words, this town is one big sex party. Here’s the proof:
How frequently do you have sex with a partner?
How frequently do you masturbate?
The great tragedy is that we didn’t ask WHICH sex toys.
Have you used sex toys?
Dear survey-taker, just because you did it ONE TIME without booze or pot, that does not qualify you to answer “sometimes.”
Well, I coulda called it. In fact, I did call it: The hate mail has already started to pour in from pissed-off statisticians who found the (ahem) science of the Alibi’s First Ever Sex Survey to be somewhat slipshod. One guy even took issue with the “missing interval” in our when-did-you-lose-your-virginity graph and called our histogram “poorly constructed.” Them’s fightin’ words, partner! And if we knew what a histogram was, we’d be goddamn well pissed off about it. But let’s just get this out there right in the open right now: those finding the science to be lacking simply failed to notice that there was no science AT ALL. Dammit, Jim, I’m a newspaper man, not a statistician.
Here’s the truth: We used the WRONG NUMBERS for the virginity/age graph. They were actually the numbers from the “how old are you” demographic question, hence the failure of the graph to “correlate with the discussion.” So in the end, it’s not a question of missing intervals and histowhatsits, it is instead a question of being a fuckup.
In the interest of both science and setting the record straight, here now is the RIGHT GRAPH—both a legible one with low-scoring answers omitted (a practice applied to pretty much all the graphs we ran) and an ALMOST ILLEGIBLE one with ALL THE DATA (including such spurious answers as “0” and “1”). Happy? I hope so. More sexy graphs to come. Stay tuned.
Are bicycles sexy? I don't think so, and we were fairly careful not to ask about bicycles when we developed our First Ever Sex Survey. That notwithstanding, bicycles came up … along with graveyards, pancakes, rimming and other seemingly endless whatnots in the mountainous avalanche of data our survey produced. And cars. It seems like lots of people in Albuquerque are having sex in cars, so pay attention, and lock up next time you're in the parking garage.
Nearly 1,500 people responded to our survey. Who were these people? Let's consult the pie charts.
What did we learn? I'll leave that to our panel of experts.
If Albuquerque were a man, he would be an ass man. Based on the results from the sex survey, it was the highest reported sexiest body part. But don’t worry if you’re wishing you had more junk in the trunk, the second-highest rated sexiest body part were the windows to your soul.
The rampant popularity of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey has moved BDSM and fetishism from taboo to mainstream. However, the fetish community had a fairly negative reaction to this book for multiple reasons. Aside from painting the community in a negative light, the book conveys the grave misconception that any goober in possession of necktie can magically become a dungeon master overnight. The reality is that BDSM, a compound acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadomasochism, is very much a delicate art form and can be potentially dangerous without the proper protocol and precautions. Here are a few tips for those adventurous lovers hoping to expand their horizons this Valentine's.