Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the graphgasmographical data stream comes to a drippy end. Some things I learned about Burqueños: The vast majority have made out with strangers, yet haven’t caught a sexually-transmitted disease. Hmm. They also wouldn’t be caught dead smoking after sex. No surprise there, seeing how high “bad breath” scored on the turn-offs list. There’s a statistical dead heat on the importance of penis size and on having fooled around with a co-worker—so you may as well just flip a coin. The pro-anal-sex camp outnumbers the “once” or “never” camp by a healthy margin. But, more romantically, most people are not interested in an open relationship and would stick with their current partner for that one-last-shtup before the world ends—and furthermore, most have kept friendly with their ex-
So what does that say about Albuquerque? Promiscuous yet hygienic? Faithful yet forgiving? Free-thinking yet conservative? Who the hell knows? I’m just glad you’re all out there keeping things sexy for the rest of us. Let’s do it again sometime.
Governor Martinez is backing a bill that would require background checks for gun show purchases.
There is a public information meeting about the Paseo Del Norte/I-25 project.
How Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoyed Carnaval.
There was an emergency alert issued in Montana yesterday.
Things are getting less salty.
The thigh gap.
Did North Korea just blow up a nuclear bomb?
The fugitive LAPD cop may have gotten out of the country.
This installment tells us many things: Those who are satisfied are the largest voting bloc, but those who aren’t outnumber them. Sharing sex fantasies is more popular than not sharing them. A lot of people have experimented with an alternate gender sex partner, but most haven’t. Cybersex is way too out there for most Burqueños—we prefer phone sex even though it’s not 1995 anymore. And talking dirty is near-universally accepted as the lingua franca of the bedroom. In fact, it may be what binds us together as a race.
On a related note, when the term “Burqueños” is used, we really mean “the 1,405 people who took all or part of our survey, 486 of whom are 22-30 years old and most of whom (969) are under 40.” In case that wasn’t obvious, I mean.
Welcome back to the unscientific sharing of self-reported sexual proclivities of Albuquerque residents. This stuff is straight out of the SurveyMonkey data banks (you can also blame them for the cheesy infographic look), so I don’t want to hear any more complaints about histograms, telegrams or candygrams. This is as scientific as it’s gonna get.
The main take-aways here? Alibi readers do it frequently, probably more often than they floss their teeth. They do it together and they do it alone. They have no fear of employing power tools or other prosthetic devices, and they “sometimes” like to mix it up with booze and illicit substances. In other words, this town is one big sex party. Here’s the proof:
Well, I coulda called it. In fact, I did call it: The hate mail has already started to pour in from pissed-off statisticians who found the (ahem) science of the Alibi’s First Ever Sex Survey to be somewhat slipshod. One guy even took issue with the “missing interval” in our when-
Here’s the truth: We used the WRONG NUMBERS for the virginity/age graph. They were actually the numbers from the “how old are you” demographic question, hence the failure of the graph to “correlate with the discussion.” So in the end, it’s not a question of missing intervals and histowhatsits, it is instead a question of being a fuckup.
In the interest of both science and setting the record straight, here now is the RIGHT GRAPH—both a legible one with low-scoring answers omitted (a practice applied to pretty much all the graphs we ran) and an ALMOST ILLEGIBLE one with ALL THE DATA (including such spurious answers as “0” and “1”). Happy? I hope so. More sexy graphs to come. Stay tuned.
Nearly 1,500 people responded to our survey. Who were these people? Let's consult the pie charts.
What did we learn? I'll leave that to our panel of experts.
The results are in, and it comes as no surprise that the Duke is one kinky city. The purpose of sex has evolved for many into a recreational activity, rather than a species-perpetuating endeavor. Note that, of the 800+ answers, not a single response included “procreation.” Instead, we see a varied, colorful list of hedonistic sensory indulgences, elaborate fantasies, yearnings for specific body parts, items of clothing, bodily fluids, and appetites for complicated sex acts that would challenge even the most adept multi-tasker.
While reviewing the results from the Alibi's first sex survey, I was delighted to see that many of our neighbors play very well with others. Within the confines of relationships and randomness of delightful happenstance, friends are hooking up with friends, couples with couples and sometimes just inviting others to watch. In addition to these delightful tromps into the land of non-monogamy, my heart was warmed by the dozens of contributions that gush about partners, husbands, wives and every combination therein.
I once heard it said from a very wise man in the restaurant industry that "men go where the women are—and women go where the bathrooms are clean."
Call it “The List,” call it a “hall pass,” slap whatever name on it you like: Even the most committed couples can make concessions for their partners sleeping with other people. So long as those other people are celebrities. The thinking is twofold. Firstly, long-term relationship or not, you’d be a fool to pass up an opportunity to manhandle People Magazine's “Sexiest Man Alive.” Secondly, your odds of meeting, seducing and actually closing the deal with a famous person are slim-to-none—so what’s the harm in a little fantasy fling?
Curious about consensual non-monogamy? Well, you've come to the right place. In a world where there is open communication and negotiation no one has to cheat, and the likelihood of having your needs met (and even your fantasies and desires) is very high. We're going to cover the basics, and if that whets your appetite or peaks your interest, we'll include some easy ways to find out more.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, what are you going to do with the information? Learning about sex can be intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be. Self Serve is Albuquerque’s Best Sexy Shop, as voted by Alibi readers, and can offer an alternative to the old-school sex shop. Now that you have some of the intimate details of your fellow Albuquerqueans, you can proceed with confidence and dive into your fantasies head first. Here are some of our tips based on the survey results, but feel free to check us out online for more info at selfservetoys.com