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V.22 No.33 | 8/15/2013
Jack Handey
Brad Wilson

Arts Feature

Jack Handey is Real

And he is funnier than you

The Stench of Honolulu: A Tropical Adventure

To all would-be comedians: Jack Handey of “Deep Thoughts” fame did it 30 years ago, he did it smarter than you, and he continues to be funnier than you.

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Music

Yeezus comin’ on June 18

Kanye West’s newest LP confirmed

Cover art for Kanye West’s upcoming LP,   Yeezus
Cover art for Kanye West’s upcoming LP, Yeezus
Think what you will about Kanye West. Personally, I’ve always appreciated his music, but his personality always got in the way of me finding him likable. So, I just tend not to focus on him outside of his righteous rhymes. Sure, the rapper has garnered himself some controversy. (Remember that whole Taylor Swift speech interruption? Way to steal a young girl’s spotlight, K-Dubs). But music blogs are going nuts today over the announcement that West’s upcoming record, titled Yeezus, is dropping on June 18 and is already available to preorder on iTunes.

West performed two new tracks from his forthcoming LP on “Saturday Night Live” this past weekend, giving fans a taste of what’s to come. And Kim Kardashian posted a photo on Instragram, which has already been confirmed to be the cover art for the album. You know ... because they gotta keep it in the family (but only if it’s in front of the entire world). So, be on the lookout for what will no doubt be another interesting and thought-provoking record from one of hip-hop’s most notable figures.

Kanye West performs “Black Skinhead” on SNL

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3 p.m. Slump

Happy Birthday, Nicolas Cage!

49 never looked so cool

screencrush.com/nicolas-cages-face-on-things
This was a tough task for me—narrowing down which Nicolas Cage photo and video were most appropriate for celebrating this glorious day. How does one choose between the bakery scene from Moonstruck (see 2:43 for “I lost my hand, I lost my bride!”), The Evolution of Nicholas Cage’s Hair, Nic as every dwarf from The Hobbit and then, of course, we have Andy Samberg as Nicolas Cage.

After much perusing and much thought, it has come down to this: a magical rendition of “Sexy and I Know it” and a picture of Nicolas Cage as Yoda.

Play Youtube Video

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NEWS

The Daily Word in Lybian extremists, teachers' strike, Jason Sudeikis returns

The U.S. ambassador to Libya, Christopher Stevens, and three other American diplomats have been killed by suspected religious extremists in Lybia.

Factory fires kill at least 314 people in Pakistan.

Chicago Teachers Union strike most likely won't be resolved today.

APD Police Chief gives his program a stand-up 94% on their report card.

Apple slips up.

Notre Dame is headed to the ACC in all sports except for football.

The State Fair starts today at 2 p.m. By the way, parking this year is free ... if you can find it.

McDonald's will soon start including calorie counts on their menus ... dang it, I hate guilt.

Apparently NBC feels that Kris Jenner's boobs are more important than a 9/11 moment of silence.

Jason Sudeikis is returning to SNL!

Hard core, back-in-the-day, super legit snowball fight.

NEWS

The Daily Word in politics, human to animal contact and TALKING IN ALL CAPS

Again with the debt ceiling.

Kim Jong-il's two-day funeral begins.

Yes, Congress really is as bad as you think.

Rick Santorum promises to pack up and go home if he comes in last in Iowa.

Democrat Ben Nelson is retiring from the Senate.

No New Mexico float in the Rose Parade this year.

Surprise! Newt Girgrich's divorce papers contradict his claims about the split.

Questions are being asked about Jerry Sandusky's wife.

Mayor Berry reviews the first half of his term.

China has its own GPS.

Vladimir Putin is too cool for vote rigging.

Two killed in a shootout at a Church's Chicken in Chicago.

Tweeting the phrase human to animal contact will attract the attention of the Department of Homeland Security.

Where old Christmas light go to die.

A $25 computer about to begin production.

The great exploding churro lawsuit has been settled.

Toys R Us sued over loose wagon wheel.

ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS is exactly as awesome as the name implies.

The 50 most entered BitTorrent phrases of 2011 are…

Adorable anti-gender marketing rant from a 4-year-old.

2011s best animal videos.

When will the Co-op get a man aisle?

SETI to search the moon for alien footprints.

The Grand Canyon Burger sounds awesome!

Save cash and avoid airport impulse buys.

The true weight of the internet is somewhere between a grain of salt and a strawberry.

The best and worst video games of 2011.

R.I.P. Cheetah the chimpanzee.

Former Saturday Night Live writer dead of apparent suicide.

Sweet old computer magazine covers from the 70s/80s.

Happy Birthday Leaping Lanny Poffo!!!

Thanks E!!!

T.V.

This Week in Ladies: Tina Fey on SNL

Brownie Husband. So delicious.

Last night I was at a BBQ at a friend’s house when a new acquaintance said, “God, who watches ‘Saturday Night Live’ anymore?” Answer: people who do not go out on Saturday nights past 10:30 because that’s really late and there’s early morning gardening and muffin-making to do. Answer: me.

Anyway, Tina Fey was the host of SNL this weekend. She is, obviously, super. Her superness has become so well known that if you are a white lady aged 19-50 who wears glasses and has half a brain that you use to talk about dumb shit you hate, someone is gonna call you Tina Fey, even if you’ve had this schtick for years before she was on t.v. but whatever.

Good points, bad points.

Some of the topics on ladyblogs (Jezebel and Feministe, not Rachael Ray’s Pasta Hole.com) are picking the episode apart, wondering: Good for Feminism? or Bad for Feminism?

Exhibit A: “Brownie Husband.” Reinforcing or making fun of stereotypes about single women in their thirties? My vote? The latter. Also, really hilarious.

Exhibit B: Fey calling Bombshell McGee a slut on Weekend Update. My vote? Not great for feminism. She goes after an admittedly slutty woman but leaves the uber-slut dude Jesse James alone, underscoring the old belief that men are going to cheat only if slutty women make them.

Here’s the discussion thread on Feministe.

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blog

Draft Grandma!

“What do you mean you’re out of butterscotch candies? That’s bullshit!”
“What do you mean you’re out of butterscotch candies? That’s bullshit!”

If you’ve ridden the red-hot highway that is the Internet (vroom) in the past few weeks, you’ve seen the army amassing its troops. It’s not the U.S. Army, or the French (snicker); it’s the movement to get “Saturday Night Live” to have Betty White host. The Facebook page that started it currently has over 450,000 fans.

Reports have it that SNL is considering this, but would have her appear as part of a “Women of Comedy” night, including, rumors say, maybe Molly Shannon, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

Aw, isn’t that nice of them? To give ladies a chance to be funny? You know, men aren’t half-bad. Forget that the two most recent stars to hit it big post-SNL are women (Amy and Tina, holla!) and that it’s most popular current performer is Kristen Wiig.

But I can deal with that. Comedy is a notoriously rough business for women, as evidenced by my male peers’ reception to my 2008 comedy tour entitled “Why Won’t You Have a Baby With Me, Boy Is Anyone Else’s Bra Killing Them?”. Their responses? Jokes about masturbating!

What DOES irk me is the ageism of it. So, maybe 88-year-old White, goddess of screens large and small, might not be able to carry a 90-minute show. But consider some of the people that SNL has determined are totally capable of hosting duties: Megan Fox, any athlete, Stevan Seagal, M.C. Hammer, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins and Ron Nessen (press secretary for President Gerald Ford).

And what does Betty White have? Only six Emmys and generations of fans.

Instead of pairing her with younger women, how bout SNL gives older women their due? Here is my proposed cast for Old Broads of Comedy, in addition to White:

Phyllis Diller. 92. Stand-up pioneer. Cartoon version was on “Scooby-Doo.” Fucking fabulous.

Carol Burnett. 76. Mentored by Lucille Ball. Had uber-successful variety show “The Carol Burnett Show.”

Teri Garr. 65. That’s not really old, except in Hollywood, which is a creepy place anyway. Uttered the timeless phrase “Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.” Pretty hilarious as an actual, real person.

I realize not all of these ladies might be able to run through skits and crap, but I’d wager an hour and a half of these four sitting around, talking shit and waxing sassy, would be better than 99.8% of SNL episodes. I think I just created a new show. I’ll call it “Platinum Ladies.”

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