the onion


V.25 No.2 | 01/14/2016

News

The Daily Word in protecting the Petroglyph National Monument, pharma bro and hangover-less booze

The Daily Word

New Mexico may soon have two different driver's licenses in order to comply with the Federal Real ID law.

Albuquerque may purchase land adjoining the Petroglyph National Monument in an effort to thwart development near the ancient site.

A local teen with Down Syndrome was robbed of his tablets, computer and other electronics he uses for school and to communicate with others.

Here is Stephen Hawking's list of top ways humans will destroy themselves and the planet.

Donald Trump proves lacking in knowledge of the Bible.

Experts agree Sarah Palin must be the surprise guest at a Trump rally today.

Univision Inc. now owns the controlling interest in the satire publication The Onion.

North Korea claims to have invented booze that won't give one a hangover.

Bro, don't call him "pharma bro" anymore, bro.

V.24 No.23 | 6/4/2015

news

The Daily Word in Kim Kardashian and an ice cream named Hitler

The Daily Word

Nazi war criminals in the US are receiving retirement bennies.

There’s a brand of ice cream named Hitler.

This bridge in Paris is being set free.

Kim Kardashian has another bun in the oven.

Illuminating your neurons can retrieve lost memories.

During a concert in TJ over the weekend, Enrique Iglesias foolishly underestimated the power of a drone.

An ex-FIFA official cited an article in The Onion as part of his defense strategy.

Paul McCartney is off the reefer.

A man obsessed with Mila Kunis has escaped a mental facility.

Clint Eastwood turns 85 today!

V.23 No.43 |

news

The Daily Word in coyotes, concealed baseball bats and the history of mourning attire

The Daily Word

According to Mayor Berry, APD faces a shortage of 200 officers (or one-fifth of its police force) owing to changes in New Mexico’s government employee retirement schedule; officers who retire in 2015 will receive fewer benefits than those retiring this year.

The reward for information on the killing of Tasmanian devil Jasper is now $10,000. Yesterday, the Mayor's Office reached out to the Australian zoo that Jasper was on loan from. If you have any information about this crime, please contact Crime Stoppers at call 843-7867.

Nationwide scrutiny of Job Corps follows an investigative report; claims about the Albuquerque site include fraudulent certifications, testing problems, violence and illegal drug use.

A Rio Rancho man who stands accused of armed robberies had a baseball bat hidden in his pants.

State lawmakers were briefed about ebola readiness yesterday.

Residents of Bosque Farms are on the alert for hungry coyotes.

Someone at The Onion wrote about Albuquerque.

City officials held the first of several community meetings to discuss oversight of Albuquerque Police Department's use of force.

The Isotopes are auctioning off some of their Dodger-related clothing.

CSA Group has consolidated its photovoltaic certification and testing facilities here in New Mexico.

Two folks from Burque caught fish at Navajo Lake by using “LED light-up pink fishing poles.”

Death Becomes Her: A Century of Mourning Attire is now on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. According to the exhibit overview, "The thematic exhibition is organized chronologically and features mourning dress from 1815 to 1915 ..." Death Becomes Her runs through February 1, 2015.

V.22 No.46 | 11/14/2013

news

The Daily Word in The Onion, Atheist Churches and Sunday Mail Delivery

The Daily Word

The US Postal Service made a deal with Amazon for Sunday mail delivery.

Typhoon Haiyan killed 10,000 people.

On this day, the end of WWI.

Atheist churches are the new trend. I don’t know if you have to dress up.

The Onion is stopping print operations.

Biologists removed an arrow from a deer’s head, much to the chagrin of geologists.

Miley Cyrus smoked pot on stage.

Dogs don’t want to be friends.

Enjoy these old-timey prostitute photos.

Sleep is good for you.

The tuba player got scared.

Somebody bought a bunch of Carl Sagan tapes at a thrift store.

Jason Kerns’ seven-hour police standoff closed down the freeway Friday night.

Sipapu will open for skiing next Saturday.

Happy birthday Marshall Crenshaw.

V.21 No.49 | 12/6/2012

news

The Daily Word in Glitter Dick, Andrew W.K. and Chinese sex slaves.

The Daily Word

Rest in peace guitarist Mickey Baker.

The Onion fooled China.

Bjork shares her favorite TED Talks.

He was a Chinese sex slave dungeon master.

A cat made of fur and anger.

Two students were forced to hold hands.

Here’s what that fire was yesterday.

A New York man got a DWI on his way to a DWI.

A false Messiah gets three years for spitting.

A church in Milan has set up an exorcist hotline.

Amazing anamorphic illusions.

Apparently Andrew W.K. will not be a Cultural Embassador to Bahrain.

Glitter Dick posters on UNM campus sparked a controversy.

Commissioner Wiener wants Charlie Sheen to play him in a movie. Wiener's writing a screenplay.

The lesser prairie chicken is threatened.

Gawker interviews the pale nerd king.

Happy birthday Billy Idol.

Contance Moss, Marisa Demarco and Emily Aragon: Thanks for the linkies!

V.21 No.38 | 9/20/2012
Brendan Doherty

Flashback

I was the right degenerate for the job: beg, borrow, steal and pretend your way to the top.

It was the very early 90s. Hair metal bands still freely roamed the earth. Albuquerque emerged as the premier destination for national tour kickoffs for Ozzy Osbourne, Ratt, and Warrant. Venues like the water-slides west of the freeway became top 40 lightning filled disasters. The “underground,” as it was, consisted of the Fat Chance and Club Wreck, where a great but sparse list of bands like Cracks in the Sidewalk, the Strawberry Zots, Broadway Elks, Jerry’s Kidz, Eric McFadden and the Ant Farmers played.

Following my hasty exit from Mama Mia’s restaurant, precipitated by the manager figuring out the wait staff’s scam of using Entertainment cards to skim cash, I began working at Fred’s Bread on Central Avenue. First as a dishwasher, then as a coffee slave, it was a way to pay the bills while I played drums in a trio, Elephant, and occasionally went to UNM. And one day, a scruffy weasel of an entrepreneur came in for a conversation that would change my life.

He had just sold his paper, The Onion, moved from Wisconsin, started an alt weekly in Albuquerque, and would I like to write music reviews? Borrowing new releases from the very kind and nervous owner of Natural Sound, we were off and running. It turns out that there were a lot of people ready to read poorly written reviews of obscure records they would never hear. More importantly, a little advance news of shows was enough to begin to drive a musical movement.

Like a lot of “overnight successes,” all of the ingredients were there already. Pushing against MTV-driven corporate music, bands from across the country—Fugazi (Washington, D.C.), Sonic Youth (NY), Mudhoney and Nirvana (Seattle), underground newspapers were suddenly relevant to the soon to be named Gen Xers (bladdy fucking blah) who had looked into the general culture and found that old-line magazines, newspapers and television were incapable of being tattooed or pierced.

Instead of being the hometown of Ozzy’s drummer, Glen Campbell, or that guy who played second guitar in The Motels, Albuquerque was changing from a metal-driven, LA-derivative place dominated by big bars in the Northeast Heights, dominated by a very Cosa Nostra promoter and TJ Trout as tastemaker, to one where downtown and the University was its cultural center. Scads of bands started popping up, and venues did as well. The Sunshine, the Dingo, the very illegal firetrap that was Club Hell, and the Dingo Bar opened. Existing venues like B.O. revamped their tired Cure + Bauhaus = Big City disco to build a very dangerous stage 15 feet off of the ground. Guralnick built the Outpost. From these little sparks, Resin Records and a cadre of bands- BigDamnCrazyWeight, Allucaneat, Elephant, Cracks in the Sidewalk and many many others played host to the bands that were driving through New Mexico, willing to play for gas money or bagels from Fred’s.

Helmet played the Outpost. Nirvana played a very empty house party in Santa Fe. Dinosaur Jr. played Bow Wow Records. The Butthole Surfers and the Flaming Lips played UNM. From other parts of the country, people talked about the interesting, cheap and friendly spot we were becoming. People moved from across the country to be a part of the music scene, and students at UNM from other places started their own bands.

For a moment, music and live performance seemed to tear at the fabric of culture, revealing something substantial underneath, and it began to gain its own momentum–not just in music, but in film, art, photography, and so on. The group of kids that shuffled in and out of Fred's Bread and Bagel, Bow Wow Records, and the like began to refine their craft. Some of them got it right.

Elephant found another drummer after I quit. I formed the Drags with CJ Stritzel and Robby Poore. I quit that band and concentrated on my writing, ultimately writing for every outlet in the Southwest with a circulation greater than 10,000, and then got married and moved to San Francisco. Joe Anderson, a former bandmate started his own clubs: Launchpad, Sunshine Theater and Low Spirits.

People graduated college and moved on. Or they didn’t. Others took their place.

Recently, some of those bands stuffed themselves into their old wedding dress and dragged out the old hits in a show I would have loved to see.

Threads and connections started in the ghetto connect this early group to the latest and perhaps most influential iteration (now enabled more by the Internet than anything), including Zach Condon of Beirut, Jeremy Barnes of A Hawk and a Hacksaw (Neutral Milk Hotel), and James Mercer (The Shin).

Here is to another interesting twenty years.

From 1991-2002, Brendan Doherty contributed hundreds of articles and record reviews to the NuCity and then the Alibi. He has contributed to 35 newspapers, 40 free weeklies, the Associated Press, UPI, the Journal, the Albuquerque Tribune, New Mexico Magazine, and others. He wrote a guidebook about New Mexico for John Muir Press, and was a staff writer at the New Mexico Business Weekly. In addition, he was the healthcare and biotechnology reporter at the San Francisco Business Times. He is currently driving a minivan, raising two girls and five chickens while living on an island in the Bay Area, and working in public relations at Kaiser Permanente, the nation’s largest integrated health care system.

V.20 No.39 | 9/29/2011

news

The Daily Word in Tim Gunn, The Sucklord and teleportation

The Daily Word

Second report also clears Darren White.

Onion joke goes terribly wrong.

Tim Gunn is coming to New Mexico.

Race car champ Al Unser Jr. arrested for DWI.

12-year-old finds out she’s pregnant after sexual assault.

Chemical castration for pedophiles in South Korea.

ICE sweeps the country, picks up 2,901 undocumented immigrants, 36 in New Mexico.

Feds may challenged four state immigration laws.

The advertising genius behind “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

Meet The Sucklord, asshole.

Online dating is hard.

Sex-toy company is launching a vibrator into space.

China’s also going to space.

The album that changed everything 20 years ago.

A dress made of cow and yak nipples.

Tiny robot rocket jumps.

45 years of KUNM.

Gov. Martinez to appoint Commish Block’s replacement. His resignation was announced yesterday.

Why rats feel like they’re being teleported all the time.

This cantaloupe thing is serious, the deadliest food-borne outbreak since 1998.

V.20 No.21 |

NEWS

The Daily Word 5.28.11: Gil Scott Heron dead at 62; Ratko Mladic is confused; Vincent Price

The Daily Word

R.I.P. Gil Scott Heron. Gawker obit.

Nifty pictures of Sweden's subway system.

Some people just don't get that The Onion is fake, even with a headline using the word "abortionplex."

H.G. Wells caused similar confusion.

New No Wave documentary.

Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings!

Ratko Mladic will be brought to The Hague for trial. His lawyer says Mladic is "in some confusion...."

National Film Board of Canada documentary about Venice, narrated by William Shatner. Yes, Shatner am Canadian!

Yesterday was Vincent Price's birthday and here he is on The Dating Game in the early seventies.