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V.24 No.7 | 2/12/2015

news

The Daily Word in Beck, brains, vaginas and soy sauce

The Daily Word

Exculpating evidence suggests no criminal charges will be filed in the Bruce Jenner traffic fatality.

Kanye tried to interrupt Beck’s Grammy Award accpetance speech.

I am so tired of all the complaining.

Go, Riverdale.

What would you pay for Abe Lincolns hair?

Learn how to escape from a moving car.

When you microwave humans the brains are always cold in the middle.

Goodbye, Tent City.

A shoplifter was shot on Menaul.

Happy birthday, Brian Donlevy.

You're probably cleaning your vagina all wrong.

Your Samsung TV might be spying on you. No, seriously. It's listening.

It's a sad day for Chinese food and fast locomotives.

New England has run out of places to put snow.

Blood type and brain function: something else to worry about.

Ozzy Osbourne's bat karma has caught up to him.

Darth Vader's toilet is free on Craigslist in Albuquerque.

V.23 No.48 | 11/27/2014

news

The Daily Word in Cosby, Crosby, Cyrus and Pooh

The Daily Word

Marion Barry died.

An ex-NBC employee claims he stood guard at Cosby’s dressing room door.

Kohler unveils an odor-eliminating toilet seat.

A giant isopod stopped eating and died.

Kirk Cameron witnesses to homosexuals.

Venice is going to ban wheeled suitcases. They’re noisy.

Kean University bought a $219k conference table from China.

There are rules for dating Miley Cyrus.

Lee Harvey Oswald died on this day in 1963.

Winnie the Hermaphrodite.

There was a fatal crash at 4th and Montano this morning.

Happy birthday, Denise Crosby.

V.19 No.31 |
By far the worst thing associated with the name John. Stossell. Ah!!!
planetdan.net

commentary

Hooker Buying Dead People with no Friends and Toilets

All these bad things having to do with the name John

I don’t want to complain but I can’t help but notice three things attached to the name John which bother me: people who patronize hookers, toilets and unidentified dead people. Not to mention John Stossel. (cringe.)
A friend of mine referred to tall hillbillies as Bojohns the other day. According to www.chasclifton.com, Bojohn is an ethnic slur that refers to people of Polish descent and is used mainly by older people in Pueblo, Colorado. It makes sense my friend would use this term as he hales from Colorado, even if he is using it incorrectly.
I think I speak for Johns everywhere when I say that the madness must end.
A little research was required on the topic so I went to the nearest thing humanity will ever have to god--Wikipedia.
Let us begin with toilets. Not a bad thing but I don’t like my name being associated with a feces disposal apparatus. I don’t care if they were invented thousands of years before I was born.
According to the ever reliable Wikipedia, a chap by the name of John Harington invented a precursor to the modern toilet in the 1500s. He wrote a book about it and was subsequently banned from the court of Queen Elizabeth I.
Next there is the practice of calling a person who frequents prostitutes “Johns.” According to my lord and savior, Wikipedia. This may have started when customers gave their name as “John” to remain anonymous. No further explanation is given. Why not Todd or Chad? In the United Kingdom they are called “punters.”
Finally there is the John Doe, not the bass player from X but the unidentified corpse in the morgue. Wiki/God tells me that John Doe can also be a placeholder name for an unidentified party in a law suit. Unidentified women and children are called Jane Does and Baby Does, respectively.
In any case, knock it off. I have enough problems without being equated with toilets, desperate men and dead people with no friends. Stossel is such a better word anyway.

V.19 No.17 | 4/29/2010

Travel

A Word About Toilet Etiquette in Peru

Alibi’s Ilene Style reports from her volunteer mission in South America

--- On Sun, 4/18/10, <******@verizon.net> wrote: OK… when do we find out more about the toilet etiquette??

Many of you have asked me about the "toilet etiquette" in Peru that I mentioned in a recent e-mail. I wrote about the toilet etiquette here when I first arrived: "Because of the unsophisticated plumbing in Peru, used toilet paper is NOT flushed down the toilet, but is placed in a separate bin NEXT to the toilet. This was a hard concept for me to grasp. Like, gross!"

When I tell new voluntarios about this unusual custom, they are as grossed out as I was weeks ago when I arrived. Of course, now it's old hat, although still somewhat weird. You will never find a toilet in Peru without one of these next to it. They come in all different sizes, depending on how many people use one toilet, but always look the same. There are exceptions to this particular toilet ritual, of course. It does not apply in big fancy hotels. Perhaps these hotels have their own plumbing systems.

While we're on the subject of el baño, another thing you must always do in Peru is carry toilet paper with you at all times (especially if you are a girl.) Toilet paper is not a priority in public restrooms here, nor are paper towels, soap or sometimes even toilet seats (I'm not talking about lid covers, but the actual seats themselves). Luckily, with or without paper, the public restrooms here are still a step above many of the the public restrooms in France, some of which consist of a drain in the ground surrounded by a privacy screen.

If you happen to be in a public restroom in Peru that requires you to pay to use the facilities, women pay more to use the ladies room than men pay to use the mens room. Why? Because the ladies room has toilet paper. What if men need paper? Lo siento, yo no se!

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