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video games

Webgame Wednesday: Ancient Greek Punishment

OK, so Ancient Greek Punishment is more of a conceptual joke than an actual game. Nonetheless, artist/programmer Pippin Barr has created a cheeky tribute to the tortures of the underworld done up in an old-school, Atari 2600 art style. Pick your character (Sisyphus? Tantalus? Prometheus?) and get to work. Follow the instructions and ... well, you'll get the picture pretty quickly. Keep in mind these minigames aren't quick. They take a long time to get through. Like all of eternity.

news

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George Takei (“Star Trek”) demonstrates the proper use of the word “douchebag.” Glad that’s settled.

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Palin reacts to the midterm election results. Tina Fey reacts to Sarah Palin.

Captivating photos of the Outlaw Motorcycle Club in the ’60s.

Did George W. Brush approve torture? "Damn right."

Rock and roll revelations from Keith Richards’ new book.

Man Cave

Torture should go both ways at the dentist

Play Youtube Video

I apparently have super teeth. The last time I went to the dentist, she said I had a cavity. That was more than a year ago. I never got it fixed and it has nagged at me ever since.

But I went to the dentist on Wednesday, a different one, and she found nothing.

Either I’m completely off target on this super teeth thing, or the last dentist was a sadist who wanted to perform unnecessary oral surgery on me.

In any case, I love telling torture jokes during routine teeth cleanings. Dentists hate it but I feel some sort of revenge is in order for having stranger’s hands in my mouth. Quid pro quo.

My personal favorite is called the “Marathon Man,” named after a movie starring Dustin Hoffman as a guy who gets tortured by a Nazi dentist. Always keen on paying homage to film as part of my daily routine, I asked the dentist to ask me “Is it safe?” before commencing with the poking and prodding.

She said it, perplexed, and I thanked her, explaining that it was a movie joke. My mouth feels squeaky clean this evening. Thanks, doc.

The dental assistant told me later as she gave me the cinnamon flavored industrial tooth scrubbing that the film “The Hangover” also has dental torture jokes. I told her I would rent it; she said I wouldn’t regret it. I think next time I’ll ask the dentist, “Is it safe?”

The other option is the “El Cirujano.” Ask your dentist if she or he has ever considered doing field work for the Central Intelligence Agency or express jealousy that they have such a cool fall back career. This actually got me tortured once during a filling. I should have asked for the Novocain.

When getting a cleaning, it can be fun to adlib pleas for mercy during the short times when there aren’t any metal objects in your mouth. A “please, no more, I beg of you,” will keep the doctor on his or her toes.

If you are playing the CIA game and feel like the dentist didn’t push down on the drill hard enough after the first wise crack, these adlibs can keep the game going. Try “We’re in for a long night, doc, because I don’t know shit,” or the classic, “You’re just going to have to kill me, doc.”

Take a crack at a bad Schwarzenegger accent. Be creative. Most important: Have fun. It’s your nickel.

This is a fun and inexpensive way to make that dental appointment a little more enjoyable. The dentist will probably hate it, but they’re getting paid. Don’t let them spoil your fun.

More Videos

politics

Gooooo, Team Torture!

The Center for Constitutional Rights released a set of baseball-like cards featuring American proponents of torture.

There’s an option for making your own card. One wonders, should we make a President Obama card? These days, it kinda seems like it.

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    Ryan McGarvey
    Ryan McGarvey4.18.2014