I’m living in a big city in an apartment with no Pueblo-style influence and many floors. I just left somewhere, a club maybe. I enter the building, go to the elevator, ride up to my floor and exit. I walk past the elbow of the building and notice a door that I hadn’t noticed before.
It’s open and leading to a rooftop garden resembling the Queen of Heart’s in Alice in Wonderland but dark and more dead because it’s night time during fall. I hear laughs coming from behind an ivy-covered wall that’s a few feet away into the garden. A few people are leaving the garden and walking in front of me (rude). One man is smoking a cigarette and another man walks behind him with his arm over a woman. I don’t approve of the man smoking inside so I follow them with my eyes as they walk down a different hall than I intend to follow and I see a man in his 50s or 60s sitting in his underwear on a wooden chair to our right; he’s silently watching everyone. This seems unusual but I don’t say anything. I move past him and walk to my apartment.
I enter, pace around and then leave quickly. I can’t stand being in the apartment alone. It reminds me too much of a hotel. I hate this apartment. I depart through the fire escape and am down on the ground in what seems like an instant even though I was many stories above ground. I walk to the subway and back. I walk past the apartment parking lot at twilight and see a giant kangaroo rat standing behind a tiny, young tree. It’s about eight or nine feet tall and peeking through the sparse leaves. I see someone at a nearby car saying to their passenger, “Oh he thinks we can’t see him. I have to let him play for a few more minutes, he’s just too cute.” I move away quickly, afraid that if the rat sees that I noticed it, it’ll kick me to death. People and their fucking kangaroo rats.
I decide to go visit my friend who lives in a nearby apartment building so I don’t have to go back to my apartment. She isn’t there so I wait in the lobby for her. I start talking to a nice young man, he looks like a young Conan. We go back to my apartment. Now I look like Ellie Kemper in 2008.
After making out and complimenting each other’s hair, not-Conan realizes he’s late for a family event and invites me to go with him. “Sure,” I say, “is that appropriate, though? I mean, we did just meet.” He gives me a knowing smile and reassures me it’s fine. “Whatever you say, not-Conan.” We leave the building through the fire escape again, arm in arm, which would seem difficult because fire escapes aren’t exactly roomy. But then before I can say anything about it, we’re down on the ground in an instant. My hair is messy now but not-Conan can’t say anything because I’m not-Ellie Kemper who can just wave here mane and look perfect.
We get to an apartment building, still arm in arm, walk into their weird dentisty-hotel-esque lobby and he brings me to a wall and looks at me with his nonexistent-lipped smirk. “Hold on.” “Okay, Edward Cullen.” I say sarcastically. He chuckles as he looks up and the ceiling opens enough for us to squeeze through, all the way to the top floor it seems. That’s a weird elevator I think. He jumps and brings me with him.
It’s like we’re falling up. He pushes gently against the wall with his foot when we reach the fourth floor and we land on the carpeting. He looks at his watch and huffs.
“You’re late.” Someone says from across this room. It’s his sister. I know it’s his sister but I don’t know how I know it’s his sister. She doesn’t acknowledge me. She’s sitting down in a cushiony chair. She needed to get out of the party for a few minutes and just so happened to be out in the hall when we arrived.
“I know, I’m sorry. Look, go open the window so I can make the entrance worth it.”
“Fine.” She says. She gets up and goes through the door on her right, our left.
Not-Conan looks at me again, with his knowing smirk, and tells me to follow him. He opens the window that is between the chair and the door and crawls through it. I follow. We’re walking on a small ledge on the fourth floor above a street with traffic, but I’m not afraid. I know if I fall he can catch me with his weird super-jump. Plus, we aren’t going that far. He rolls through an open window and I follow.
No one notices his entrance. He’s disappointed. I’m glad no one noticed, I feel uncomfortable. Who makes an entrance like this? People who want attention #nothankyou. I hear an alarm and I wake up.
Oh no … Twilight fans are about to have a bitch fit! Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs are engaged.
A man who was missing at sea for two months has been reunited with his family.
It looks like France is no longer down with the skeletal girls.
An Alabama man who was on death row for over 28 years walked free this morning.
No, Duke University. You don't reject Siobhan O'Dell, she rejects your rejection!
The pilgrimage to El Sanctuario de Chimayo has begun!
A former Albuquerque police officer is facing an “excessive force” lawsuit from a 2013 arrest.
In case you wanna know which horror films claim to have stemmed from actual stories: KOAT has you covered.
The attorneys for officers Keith Sandy and Dominique Perez want to know: Which officer fired the shot that killed James Boyd?
This morning’s Daily Word brought us a One Direction-
There is nothing better than watching Kristen Stewart, with her single expression and ever-concerned eyebrows talk about leftover cake and cute dwarves. So, ladies and gentlemen, sit back, relax and enjoy the dialogue you wish The Twilight Saga would include. (Videos after the jump)
Pakistan votes to normalize relations with India.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says the banks didn't cause the financial crisis.
Hermain Cain doesn't seem to know that China has nuclear weapons.
Hooray! New Mexico is number one for overdose deaths. Oh wait …
Rick Perry wasn't drunk when he gave that drunk-sounding speech.
Kenyan Air Force uses Twitter to warn civilians their town is about to be bombed.
My sales manager really wants you to know about this Justin Bieber news.
Four members of a Georgia militia are accused of a terror plot.
Are ghosts having sex in this Ohio woman's house?
Prostate cancer found in 2,250 year-old-mummy
There's no escaping these new speed cameras.
An asteroid will pass between the Earth and the Moon next week.
So Metallica and Lou Reed released an album together. Sigh.
What is America's most acceptable prejudice?
The case for cheap wine.
When will little Adolf Hitler be returned to his parents?
Anne Rice says the vampires from Twilight are lame.
Thanks to Emily, Constance and John for the tips!
Peter Yates, director of Bullitt, died.
Here are CNN’s blow-by-blow factoids on the shooting.
There’s snow in the South and they’re not used to it.
Here’s the world’s biggest Twilight back tattoo.
Here’s a robot ball you can control with your cell phone.
Some prairie dogs escaped from the Columbus zoo.
Here’s the Don Kenn Gallery of creepy drawings.
SJP looks like a horse.
Albuquerque could get snow today.
NM troops head to Kosovo.
Bail is $60,000 for Cesar Dominguez-Garcia, the UNMH Shooter.
Happy Birthday, Pat Benatar.
In case you didn't know (although I'm pretty sure you did), the latest film in the Twilight Saga opened in theaters today. I'm not the biggest fan of the mopey book/film series, so I was mighty tickled to find the 8-bit Twilight: Eclipse Interactive game on YouTube. Now, you're going to have to cut me a little slack on this one. It's not really a game. It's a series of linked YouTube animations, showing us what a crappy Twilight game would have looked like had it hit home consoles during the 8-bit NES era. The animations are interactive, though, and require you to click through certain "Choose Your Own Adventure"-type boxes at the end of each short video. Your choices lead you to the next video--which isn't all that different from crummy old point-and-click video games. The cutscenes are hilarious, giving the film the good solid ribbing it deserves.
It’s a candybar with Edward on it.