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 V.16 No.50 | December 13 - 19, 2007 

Thanks for the Jewel Case

Down With Christmas

A selection of the Christmas albums we received this year, all of which fill us with urges to stab each other with sharpened candy canes

Michael Bolton A Swingin' Christmas (Concord Records)

Whether you're having problems with money, family, food, Jesus or Christmas in general, those minor issues will all be eclipsed if you happen upon this agonizing Michael Bolton album. Not only are these songs awful, they're crooned by one of the most horrid musical demons of our time. This Christmas, your troubles are of a Michael Bolton nature. (JCC)

Brian Setzer Orchestra Wolfgang's Big Night Out (Surfdog)

If swing updates of classical music standards are your thing (and they likely aren't) then your ship has finally come in. Ever wondered what Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee" would sound like with a three-minute guitar solo? It's a little obnoxious, actually. (SM)

The Isley Brothers featuring Ronald Isley I'll Be Home For Christmas (Def Jam)

Not only is this album cursed with the worst kind of Christmas song—the Christmas medley—it also contains a capitalistic little ditty called "What Can I Buy You.” How about you buy me something that's not shitty Christmas music? (JCC)

The Dan Band Ho: A Dan Band Christmas (Reincarnate Music)

While it was hard for me to stifle a couple very guilty chuckles, paying actual money for tracks like "I Wanna Rock U Hard this X-Mas," and "Get Drunk and Make Out this Christmas" is not an appealing prospect. It seems like the making out should happen before the rocking hard, but that's not how The Dan Band does it, I guess. (SM)

Carl Tanner Hear The Angel Voices (Timeless Media Group)

We do hear the angel voices, and they sound like low-rent opera. With its total lack of sacrilege (conversely present in Bolton's work, of course), this album is so good it's evil. Play it while watching Prince's Purple Rain. It totally syncs up. No kidding. (JCC)

Patti LaBelle Miss Patti's Christmas (Island/Def Jam)

After almost two decades without a Christmas music release, this is not a triumphant return to the genre for Patti LaBelle. No one would say that Ms. LaBelle doesn't love Christmas (or Jesus for that matter) but her songs about both are pretty tough to listen to. (SM)

(JCC) Jessica Cassyle Carr, (SM) Simon McCormack

 

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FOOD FOR THE BIRDS
FOOD FOR THE BIRDS11.26.2014