Dateline: England--A 22-year-old lad who came up with the brilliant idea of launching a bottle rocket out of his own backside in celebration of Bonfire Night ended up in a Sunderland hospital with a scorched colon. “We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding,” Douglas McDougal, from the North East Ambulance Service, told BBC News. The man was described as being in stable condition following the removal of a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket from his rectum. “He sustained fairly significant injuries,” reported McDougal. “There’s a lot of major blood vessels ’round that area, so infection would probably be a huge problem for him. And also the body naturally produces methane gas, so combine that with the firework and the exploding effect with methane’s flammability--it certainly could have been a lot worse than it really was.”
Dateline: France--Maybe they just weren’t in the mood. Last Thursday, the French tried to set the world record for the most people kissing in one spot at one time. Unfortunately, a meager 1,188 kissers showed up--quite a few short of the number needed to break Budapest’s 2005 record of 11,570 people. The event was held as part of Guinness Book of World Records Day, in which events--from the world’s largest chess game to the most number of kites flown simultaneously--were staged around the world. Some blamed the chosen kissing spot for killing the romantic mood in Paris. Instead of gathering under the Eiffel Tower, a modernist business park on the western edge of Paris was selected as the site of the kiss-off.
Dateline: South Dakota--So how bad were last Tuesday’s elections for the Republican Party? In the county commissioner’s race for rural Jerauld County, incumbent Republican Merlin Feistner was soundly defeated by Democratic challenger Marie Steichen, a fellow resident of Woonsocket, S.D., who happened to die two months ago. Steichen captured 100 votes, Feistner walked away with only 64. Given that the winner is dead, the county board will have to meet to appoint a replacement for Steichen. Jerauld County Auditor Cindy Peterson said voters were aware of Steichen’s death. “They just had a chance to make a change, and we respect their opinion.”
Dateline: Wisconsin--For the record, AA does not make you immune to arrest. According to criminal complaints, a woman stopped for alleged drunk driving on back-to-back days by the exact same officer claimed both times that her supposed involvement in Alcoholics Anonymous shielded her from arrest. “You can’t arrest me for DUI, I’m coming from AA,” Sarah J. Reich, 22, of Lake Mills, told Oconomowoc Lake Police Officer Chris Wizner when he stopped her last Thursday for drunk driving. The very next day, Reich told Wizner that he “had no reason to stop her in the first place because she was going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.” Preliminary breath tests at the arrest scene both times indicated Reich was driving with a blood-alcohol concentration more than double the proof of intoxication, the complaints stated.
Dateline: Florida--A Marathon man reportedly driving with a suspended license and carrying drugs picked the wrong place to start speeding: the parking lot of the Monroe County Jail. According to the Key West Citizen, deputies stopped 42-year-old Alvin Dean last Monday night after spotting his 2003 Dodge Caravan race into the jail’s parking lot. Dean was driving on a suspended license and was later found to be in possession of marijuana, cocaine and drug paraphernalia. He was also issued a warning for speeding and was booked into the conveniently close Monroe County Jail.
Dateline: California--Where exactly does a naked man carry a “concealed weapon”? Well, pretty much exactly where you’d expect. El Cerrito police arrested a naked man who was allegedly lying on a tree stump and masturbating beside a nature path near the El Cerrito Bay Area Rapid Transit station last Thursday. John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburgh was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. When asked if he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned that he had a 6-inch screwdriver hidden in his buttocks. Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene, but Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident. Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison the previous week, was then booked into the county jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon. El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Hogan noted that the rear is a common hiding place for weapons being smuggled into prison.