Alibi V.15 No.51 • Dec 21-27, 2006 

Thin Line

Barbara Walters is an Idiot--Barbara Walters, in what appears to be shameless pandering to the lowest common denominator, brought the viewing public the “Ten Most Fascinating People” special Tuesday night.

It was a hodgepodge of entertainers and people who have suffered personal tragedies, none of them all that fascinating.

At least, not to me.

OK, Nancy Pelosi is interesting, but that's about it. I don’t know much about the preacher man.

Angelina Jolie’s confession about her Brad Love, Jay-Z’s admission he sold crack--Patrick Dempsey, liked him in Lover Boy, can’t stand “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Who cares?

Well, somebody does. But not me. I compiled a list of far more interesting people from 2006, half of them hideous human beings. Feel free to rub Vaseline in your eyes to simulate the soft porn camera focus of a Barbara Walter’s Prime Time Special.

In no particular order:

Musab al-Zarqawi. I’m scary-eyed, I’m nobody. I’m scary-eyed, I’m famous. I’m scary-eyed, I’m dead. I would have liked to have known what this guy did on weekends. But the powers that be decided dispatching him with a 500-lb. bomb would suffice. Now we’ll never know.

Augusto Pinochet. He murdered people and he stole millions from Chile. And he lived to be 91. The one that got away.

Barack Obama. I’ve been saying this guy should run for president since 2004. A black president may no longer be confined to science fiction movies. Word.

Kofi Annan. My mom made me put this one in. She called him the voice of reason in a world gone totally mad.

Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri. The Brangelina of worldwide Islamic jihad. To paraphrase Robin Williams, Mr. bin Laden is a 7-foot tall Arab on dialysis--why is that so hard to find? And Ayman has been killing infidels since the late ’70s with seeming impunity. I want both of these yahoos captured and forced to star on an entire season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

A rebel commander from Liberia I saw on PBS. He longed to put down his guns and become a journalist. And he did. He’s now a celebrity on Liberian radio and co-hosts a show with a former enemy. If that isn’t fascinating then nothing is. Sorry, cannot recall his name.

Hassan Nasrallah and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In addition to having almost impossible to pronounce names, at least for a white dude from the Western desert, these two have tentative grips on reality. Hassan attacked Israel and subsequently saw his entire country turned into a large-scale version of my bedroom and then claimed victory. Mahmoud denies the Holocaust. If only there weren’t all those damn photos.

Dave Chappelle. Quit at the height of his fame. I respect that. I plan on one day attaining worldwide fame but sticking around until years after I've worn out my welcome.

George W. Bush. Totally screwed the pooch on the whole Iraq thing. Now he says he won’t be rushed on deciding whether or not to take the study group’s advice.

Hillary Clinton. She kind of bugs me, but I believe we need a woman president as well as a black one, or a Mexican or anything. Forty-something white dudes just make us look bad. Nancy Pelosi is third in line. Impeach Bush, then Cheney and let’s get busy.