Answer Me This
By Simon McCormack
What riches were found at the excavation site suspected to be the original location of the famed and mysterious Crystal Canyon? Who is leading the archaeological dig to uncover said riches? Whose car is parked in the loading zone of the excavation site with its lights on? What beast ate one excavator's sandwich and later his spleen?
1) What hidden treasure was uncovered in Crystal Canyon?
a. A pile of diamonds
b. Two ancient fertility sculptures dating back to the Incan Empire
c. Three dozen golden eggs
d. A couple of Michael Bolton tapes
2) Who is organizing and funding the excavation?
a. A wealthy millionaire from New Orleans
b. A dot-com billionaire
c. An outrageously handsome "surfer dude"
d. There's really nothing to fund. One person just started digging a hole and others followed.
3) Whose car is holding up the excavation because it's parked in the site's loading zone?
a. Some stupid hippie with a hemp wreath hanging from his van's rearview mirror
b. A hedge fund manager with a Range Rover that eats hippies
c. A bleached-blond college coed with a fiery hot Mazda Miata
d. The unknown owner of a Chevy truck with a positively hilarious drawing of a mischievous Calvin (of “Calvin and Hobbes”) peeing on the word "Ford"
4) What creature caused the death of an excavator?
a. A rabid dog
b. An oh-so-furry but ferocious feline
c. A hopping-mad toad
d. A wild boar-like beast with super-sharp tusks and a snout ring
1) D. Reports from the site indicate the lucky lad who unearthed the Grammy Award-winning artist's tapes nearly passed out from joy when he realized what he had found. The discovery has lead to a rejuvenated sense of optimism among the diggers, who are certain even greater Crystal Canyon goodies will be discovered.
2. D. It's unclear who plunged their shovel into the ground first, but once they did, two dozen treasure hunters eventually did the same. Aside from the Bolton tapes, the best loot has been restricted to bottle caps and interesting-looking rocks. Many at the site say they will give up unless they find something "pretty cool-looking" soon.
3. D. By press time, the owner of the truck had not been located. There is mounting resentment among the diggers, who have been unable to load dirt piles into their vehicles. Smashing the truck's windows and holding the Calvin bumper sticker for ransom have been discussed as potential options for bringing the crisis to an end.
4. D. By the time medical personnel could be summoned, the victim of the boar attack was already done for. Excavators who witnessed the incident said it appeared the unfortunate individual was dazzled by the boar's unquestionably darling snout ring and, before he realized he was in danger, his spleen had already been consumed.
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