Alibi V.19 No.18 • May 6-12, 2010 

Bear With Me

Don’t Get a Tan in Arizona

The KKK took my Broncos fan away

In yet another case of my fellow white people embarrassing the bejesus out of me, the Arizona Legislature has passed a fascist immigration bill that allows law enforcement to stop people suspected of being in this country illegally and make them prove otherwise.

More than likely, this means anyone darker than khaki or lighter than mauve taupe.

I am wholeheartedly against this bill for many reasons, not the least of which is that a Mexican national once saved my life. It was my first job. I was stacking adobes, and he threw himself between me and a 50-pound brick tossed by a hillbilly driving a semi truck with—I kid you not—a giant confederate flag painted on the side. Unharmed, he muttered “Pinche gringo” under his breath and went back to work. If that (probably illegal) immigrant hadn’t been standing there, this white boy may have been grievously injured or killed. A great loss to Western civilization.

An influx of people from Mexico also means better Coca-Cola™ made with real sugar. Though I no longer imbibe, I pray that there is iced Carta Blanca when I get to heaven. If the Mexican population is driven away, we might be forced to drink soda made with (hiss) corn syrup and sip on (oh dear God) American beer.

Any time someone says “illegals,” they actually mean _____ (insert dastardly slur).

Most importantly, I have friends who, like me, were born in the United States, as were their parents, grandparents and so on. Nevertheless, they are potentially subject to harassment should they decide to take a leisurely jaunt to Arizona because they are, for lack of a better descriptive, brown. Sometimes they are called Mexicans, Hispanics, Latinos. It’s a fairly large designation of people who have nothing in common other than bronzy hue. Sometimes they are from Mexico and places south; other times, they are from Denver.

I have a friend whose coloring could get him stopped in Arizona. As far as I know he doesn’t speak a word of Spanish; his Denver Broncos belt buckle cuts into his American belly fat, and he, too, is excited about the sudden increase in soda pop varieties available at the local 7-Eleven. We are one.

He is dark, and though he self-identifies as a “Mexican,” this is mostly because of a tattoo he can’t explain any other way. This guy is as American as my WASP-y ass. I feel more camaraderie with him than with any of the pale faces in Arizona that passed this hate crime of a bill (and could be my cousins).

Should my friend drive to Glendale, Ariz., to watch the Broncos play the Cardinals, he could be stopped and hassled all for looking “too Mexican.” (A DNA test would reveal that he is, in fact, three-quarters white.)

There will be people who will say that the bill only targets “illegals.” Any time someone says “illegals,” they actually mean _____ (insert dastardly slur).

These people are racists. They feel cheated that they can’t go around spraying folks with fire hoses anymore and just have to take it out on someone, anyone.

White people have made significant progress in this country during the past 200 or so years. We no longer own people; we aren’t overtly trying to wipe anyone out, and we haven’t nuked anyone in, like, 70 years. Bills like this just set us back. Thanks, Arizona.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author.