Plutocracy for New Mexico
The Liberal Shades of Our New Guv
By David D. David
You hoped. You prayed. You clutched your little Brian Colón bobblehead as you went to bed on Nov. 1.
Of course, it was all for naught. Susana Martinez is your next governor.
But, hey, wipe those tears from your hemp blazers, liberal Alibi readers. The next four years might not be so bad for you and your unemployed friends who talk about things they don’t understand on coffee-shop patios.
Yes, your new governor gets big money from creepy Texas gagillionaires and doesn’t care if your precious polar bears burn to death, but she’s had her share of flirtations with the liberal element. We went ahead and did you the favor of listing and rating them, so you can read this and then get back to blogging about civil rights or whatever.
She Was a Democrat
Once upon a time, Martinez was just like you: a wide-eyed left-leaner trying to make sense of this cruel world.
You see, in the 1990s, she was a Democratic assistant district attorney down in that sweaty parking lot called Las Cruces. A new DA got elected and fired her, so she sued him and won more than $100,000. Not satisfied, she switched to Republican and ran against the guy, and the rest is incredibly down-played history.
Liberal quotient: Medium
True, it’s pretty lame that she just up and ditched your side like that, but hey, you lefties love being contrarian, and what’s more rebellious than becoming a Republican? It’s like how you were all about Vampire Weekend until high-schoolers started liking them, and now you tell all your friends they sound like a low-rent Graceland cover band.
She Carries a Gun
During an October interview with CNN, Martinez warned a crew member trying to mic her up to “Be careful. That’s a gun back there.” Yes, she carries a strap in that monochrome skirt suit, and she’s prepared to put bullets in things.
Liberal quotient: Semantically complex
We know what you’re going to say: Statistics say guns are bad for blah, blah, blah. Well, save it, commie, and try using that liberal arts education your dad paid good money for. We’re talking about a woman unconcerned with the niceties of old-world femininity. She knows that the ruling elite would prefer she pipe down and put on something revealing, but she chooses to carry a deadly weapon in her formless rags. Maybe you only got through one chapter of The Second Sex before “liking” it on Facebook, but try to see the feminist implications here, or it’s going to be a long four years.
She’s Not Allen Weh
Martinez survived a filthy little primary, beating the absurdly rich and theatrically terrifying Allen Weh. Perhaps Martinez’s plans for the state make you queasy, but she saved you from a date with a grizzled retired Marine who has probably killed more people than you’ve ever met.
Liberal quotient: High
Look, we can all agree that Lt. Gov. Diane Denish couldn’t beat a particularly stupid rock in a student council race, so next time you pray to your Che Guevara black-light poster, be sure to thank his holy beard you’re not staring down the barrel of a cranky colonel who promised to take a baseball bat to Santa Fe.
So, there you have it, dearest Yes-We-Canners. Your corpulent scarf rack is gone, and there’s nothing you can do to bring him back. But please, do try to see the good in Martinez. Yes, she probably likes Ayn Rand, and no, she’s not Jerry Ortiz y Pino, your shiny unicorn of liberal smugness. But unless you plan to follow through on your idle threats to move to Boulder, it’s probably time to just accept your new right-wing overlord.
Oh, and she gives out “big, fat boners,” according to Denish. So, you know, that’s cool.
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