Ask Kat Curious
To Tell or Not to Tell
By Kat Cox
Dear Kat: There's a woman who sometimes comes to my exercise class with her (really good-looking) husband. I know her husband through another group, too, so he and I have spent some time together without her, but we will all three talk after class like we're good friends. In fact, usually after the other group meets up, a lot of us go out for a few drinks, and he tends to come along, sans wifey. Last week at the happy hour, he had a few too many and started saying some things to me that married men should not say to single ladies. I'll be blunt: He asked if we could go back to my place and get to humping, and at one point outlined how he would leave his wife for me. I would say I'm flattered, but I'm not pleased with this situation, especially because I know his wife, even if it's just tangentially. My question is: Should I tell her?
Dear A.D.: My first instinct was that you should tell her that her husband is a sleaze. It just seems fair, doesn't it? We women can be so cruel to each other, and it would seem a service to our sisterhood to tip her off that she may be facing some issues.
Of course, that cattiness we often bring to our relationships with women means she may turn on you and not her husband. That’s why I would recommend the anonymity. Send her an email, call her from a pay phone or have another friend tell her.
But in thinking about it more, the better option may be to keep it to yourself. Their marriage is their business, and since you didn't sleep with him (right?), there isn't really anything to tell his wife. Drunk people (male and female alike) say stupid things without thinking, and he may have no recollection of the event whatsoever. They could have an open marriage for all you know. (I think he would have told you soberly if that were the case, though.)
Furthermore, she's just an acquaintance. If she were your best friend, it would be another matter.
Maybe you should tell him that the event made you uncomfortable. Don't threaten to out his behavior to his wife, but let him know you didn't appreciate it. Again, he probably won't remember what was said (or he'll claim he doesn't, at least). But if it's going to make your athletic endeavors awkward, I say it's a good idea to clear the air—at least with the perpetrator.
His behavior toward you is what matters in this question, and you have every right to do what you need to make yourself feel better about it.
If this becomes a habit—or if it happens to another girlfriend of yours in the group—then by all means launch a campaign to let his wife know. I have to emphasize that if you say something, keep it private, just for the sake of saving you both some embarrassment. Don't even consider posting something on Craigslist or Facebook. No one should find out something like that in a public forum. And who knows if she'll ever look at Craigslist anyway?
The bottom line here is that you don't need to say anything to her unless you feel very motivated to do so. The fact that you asked me in the first place leads me to believe you probably want to tell the wife of her husband's transgressions. Maybe you think he’s rather heinous (I know several women who would feel the same way).
Or maybe, since you think he's good-looking, you wouldn’t mind watching them split up. Tattling on him could push things in that direction. If your motivation to tell her is anything beyond helping another girl out, definitely steer away from it.
Kat Cox is a writer in Albuquerque who will do anything to get you the best advice possible.
Send your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org or through facebook.com/kat.curious.
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Attention: Kat Curious
413 Central NW
Albuquerque, N.M., 87102
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author.
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