Dateline: Zimbabwe—A man accused of bestiality came up with an original defense in court earlier this month. The New Zimbabwe newspaper reports 28-year-old Sunday Moyo claimed the donkey with which he was caught having sex was originally a prostitute he’d met at a nightclub. Mandava Township Police officers on a routine patrol found Moyo having sex with the animal inside his yard just after 4 a.m. on Sunday, Oct. 16. The donkey, which had been tied by the neck to a tree, was lying on the ground. Moyo admitted guilt before a magistrate, but told the court, “I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested.” According to the newspaper, laughter erupted in the courtroom as Moyo explained further. “I had hired a prostitute and paid $20 for the service at Down Town night club, and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.” The magistrate, clearly unswayed by the story of magical transformation ordered Moyo held for examination by government psychiatrists.
Dateline: England—A new ATM in the East London suburb of Leytonstone is offering customers bilingual service—in either the Queen’s English or Cockney street slang. The Bank Machine ATM asks customers to enter their Huckleberry Finn (PIN) in order to withdraw sausage and mash (cash) or to view their account information on the Charlie Sheen (screen). Money is dispensed in such colorful slang denominations as Lady Godiva (£5), speckled hen (£10), commodore (£15), horn of plenty (£20), dirty (£30), double top (£40) or nifty (£50). Ron Delnevo, managing director of Bank Machine, told BBC News, “We wanted to introduce something fun and of local interest to our London machines. Whilst we expect some residents will visit the machine to just have a butcher’s [look], most will be genuinely pleased as this is the first time a financial services provider will have recognized the Cockney language in such a manner.”
Dateline: Massachusetts—A 57-year-old registered sex offender has been jailed again after sexually assaulting a cardboard standee at his local pharmacy. According to Pittsfield Police, Charlie J. Price entered a Rite Aid pharmacy on the night of Saturday, Oct. 22, and made sexual contact with a point-of-sale advertisement used to sell sunglasses. According to the arrest report, Price walked up to the life-size cardboard cutout of a woman and “hugged it tightly and then began to lick and kiss the face of the female party on the display.” Price continued to molest the sign for about a minute before falling to the floor. Witnesses then say he hopped back to his feet and began screaming at people. Customers “actively” fled the store to get away from him. Price—who was convicted for indecent assault and battery on a child under 14 in 1991 and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior in 2010—later pleaded guilty to disturbing the peace. He was ordered to pay a $200 fine.
Dateline: Colorado—A man who allegedly found himself a late-night booty call on Craigslist was unpleasantly surprised when his girlfriend came home early—so he called the cops and reported his “date” as a burglar. According to the Colorado Springs Gazette, 24-year-old Keith Gaylor called 911 at 3 a.m. to report that he and his girlfriend were inside their home and that a girl with a gun was waiting for them outside. Colorado Springs Police intercepted the woman, but quickly determined she was no armed robber. “When they started listening to the story, they said there’s more to the story than meets the eye,” a police spokesperson told the newspaper. Police eventually determined that Gaylor met the woman online and had arranged a late-night hookup. Unfortunately for Gaylor, his live-in girlfriend showed up before the scheduled tryst. When Gaylor’s date knocked on the front door, he called police and reported her as an armed intruder. Gaylor was given a summons for making a false police report.
Dateline: Colorado—An elementary school physical education teacher is accused of submitting a fake bomb threat because she didn’t want to go to work. The district attorney’s office accuses Jennifer Gomes, 42, of leaving a note at the private Escuela de Guadalupe on Oct. 17 that said, “There is a bomb inside.” Gomes, who was arrested Oct. 19, told police she left the note because she did not want to go to work that day. According to KMGH-TV in Denver, the gym teacher is facing a Class 6 felony count for the false reporting of explosives. Gomes, who was released after posting $2,000 bond, has since been suspended from the school and no longer has to worry about going to work.