Police in the South Island city of Dunedin report that a pet cat gifted its owner with a baggie full of drugs. “You hear of cats bringing dead birds and rats home, but certainly in my career I’ve never seen anything like this before,” Sgt. Reece Munro told the Otago Daily Times. “I guess you never really know who’s keeping you honest these days, do you?” Officers say that, after wandering the Dunedin suburb of Halfway Bush, the cat left a small plastic bag containing five grams (0.2 ounces) of cannabis on his owner’s front doorstep. The unappreciative owner called up police and narced out her cat. Police say the original owner of the marijuana has not been located. The drugs were worth an estimated $100.
Police say a man dressed in chainmail and a helmet armed himself with a sword and shield before charging bravely into a Portland intersection on the morning of May 13 and doing battle with an evil BMW. Officers responded to the scene after the driver called 911 to report that a man dressed as a “pirate” was attacking her car. When police showed up, 30-year-old Konrad Bass informed them he was not a pirate, but a “high elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.” Bass was cited for criminal mischief and taken to an area hospital where he admitted to being on LSD. Speaking later with Vocativ.com, Bass said, “That woman was totally bad-vibing me, and I guess I took it to the next level.” Bass confessed, “I wasn’t in my right mind. I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears.” The BMW suffered several puncture wounds, but is expected to survive. The avenging elf said he is into live-action role playing and often stays in character for days on end. He also “sometimes” takes psychedelic drugs while in character.
A man who stole a bread truck spent the day making random deliveries around Manhattan. According to police, David Bastar hopped into the Grimaldi’s Home of Bread truck on the Upper East Side early Monday morning while the real driver was making a delivery at a pizzeria. Reportedly wearing nothing but his underwear, Bastar then began dropping off baguettes, buns and rolls to random people. “The bread was left somewhere. Where I don’t know,” said Joe Grimaldi, owner of the bakery in the Ridgewood neighborhood of Queens. “He dropped a lot of bread.” Grimaldi estimates some $5,000 worth of baked goods went missing during Bastar’s time in the truck. The half-nude delivery driver was later arrested at LaGuardia Airport, where police say he ended up after tailgating a motorist for several miles. Bastar was charged with criminal possession of stolen goods and driving without a license. He was taken to a hospital for observation.
A man is suing the City of New York, a hospital, a chain of cafes and a discount store for two undecillion dollars after he was allegedly bitten by a dog. Anton Purisima filed the $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lawsuit in Manhattan federal court on April 11. Purisima’s handwritten, 22-page lawsuit claims the 62-year-old got an infected middle finger after being bitten by a “rabies-infected” dog on a bus. Purisima goes on to claim that a “Chinese couple” took unauthorized pictures of him when he was being treated at a local hospital. The lawsuit also points out that Purisima has frequently been overcharged for coffee at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Purisima claims he is a victim of civil rights violations, discrimination on national origin, conspiracy to defraud, retaliation, fraud, attempted murder, harassment and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The list of defendants in the case includes New York City Transit Authority, City of New York, cafe chain Au Bon Pain, Carepoint Health, a New Jersey University Medical Center, a hospital’s emergency department, NYC MTA, LaGuardia Airport Administration and the discount store Kmart. Reporting on the case, the UK’s Mirror newspaper notes that two undecillion dollars exceeds the amount of money on Earth.