Alibi V.24 No.25 • June 18-24, 2015 

The Heavy Meddler

The Heavy Meddler

Dear Nikki: My friends all make fun of me for listening to Sammy Hagar. They have no idea he's heavy metal! Can you please “Rock the Nation” and tell them he's “Good Enough”? —There's only one way to “Rock Candy”

Dear Red Rocker Lover,

You friends appear to have a narrow attitude of what it means to be metal, and I imagine it’s predominantly fashion-based. Hagar has never really subscribed to the metal “look.” His pants are baggy, and he doesn’t do accessories, guy liner or Aquanet. However, his hair appears to be naturally fuller and more anti-gravitational than that of most metalheads. Furthermore, it sounds like your friends are failing to recognize the “balls out” attitude that Hagar has maintained since the '70s—also something that appears to come quite naturally to him. Not only is he incapable of driving 55 in his million dollar Ferrari, but he loves tequila. He’s a gringo who spends a good portion of his time in Mexico. How badass is that? It's also rumored that he keeps his band The Waboritas on retainer so that he can order them south of the border any time he has a hankering to rock. The first Montrose album from ’73 features Sammy on vox and is highly regarded in the metal community. Songs off the album have been covered by Iron Maiden, Lita Ford and L.A. Guns. When he replaced DLR in Van Halen, Hagar helped the band focus more on lyrics and less on antics, earning it a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Worth over $100 million, Hagar is a fierce entrepreneur who works hard and plays harder. He doesn't don corpse paint, incorporate pyrotechnics or sing about the devil, but that’s what gives him absolute street cred. I’d like to see your friends rock that hard in flip flops.

Dear Nikki: One of my friends works with my boyfriend, and they go out with coworkers for drinks all the time and hang out a lot, and I ain't cool with that. How do I tell the bitch to step off and leave my man alone? —Pissed Diva

Dear Fierce Princess,

It's important to take a step back and look at what you're seeing, what people are saying, and separate the facts from your emotions. It sounds like you feel your friend is acting inappropriately, but ask yourself what role your boyfriend may be playing. Has he shown romantic interest in anyone else or even acted on these feelings while you were both committed? It is human nature to blame the temptress rather than the cheater. If there weren't any trust issues, it seems that you would be okay with your dude knocking back a few cold ones after work, regardless of some busted up slut making an ass of herself. Is this chick on his jock hard? Men can be weak and desperate for attention. If you've been on his case lately, and this trollop just wants to giggle at his jokes and squeeze his biceps, his will power will be no match for his fragile ego's thirst for validation. Is it possible that your spoiled, ball-busting nature could be a catalyst? Maybe you could try tapping into your softer, sweeter, less bitchy side.

When you bring this situation up with him, does he get defensive? Does he play dumb? Does he invite you to join them? Maybe he's the one who keeps bringing it up. If he knows how to push your buttons, he might be mentioning her to make you slightly jealous. This may reassure him that you still love him and still want to be with him.

My mother always said, “It's better to be pissed off than pissed on,” but don’t get your spandex in a wad without a plan. You can be right, or you can get what you want, but you can't do both. Showing up at her pad and screaming on her front lawn while wielding a baseball bat is not going to help matters. You will just embarrass yourself and probably spend the night in the pokey. You will look like a fool, and fools aren't sexy. It sounds like you don't believe these two have done anything wrong necessarily—yet. Do you want them both to validate your feelings and include you in their bar hopping? Do you want an excuse to break up with your boyfriend? Do you want a reason to end your friendship? Be honest with yourself about what you want and how to get it before you go gettin’ all cray.

Dear Nikki: I'm in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, and I love him soooooo much. But I've always fantasized about boning a living metal god ever since I was a teenager. This summer I may get a chance because my aunt's ex-boyfriend is a roady for Limp Bizkit, and they're coming to El Paso in July. I'm 90 percent sure I can get backstage and then 90 percent sure I could get some "private time" with Fred Durst (I'm pretty hot). Assuming that Durst is into it, this is technically cheating, but I figure, you only live once, right? What would you do in my position? —Looking for Nookie

Dear No Accounting for Taste,

Worse than the fact that he's fugly, his music sucks. He's not even a metal demi-god. Sucking on Durst's wiener is more forgivable than voluntarily attending a Limp Bizkit concert, but you should do neither. Go see a good show in El-P, like Whitesnake on June 25th.

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