The first thing I saw driving in to Santa Fe was two panhandlers dancing on the median of St. Francis. One was wearing a red and yellow novelty hat of some sort. The other one was wearing a clown nose. My bladder was pressing against the seat belt urgently, and I couldn't focus enough to read the sign he was holding. It was one of those kinds of mornings.
I'd finally given myself over to the robots and turned on the voice directions from Google maps. I couldn't help it. I've gotten lost every time I've ever gone to Santa Fe. Every time. The problem: I had no idea how to tell it to take me to a bathroom.
Which led directly to the unattractive and uncoordinated tap dance I was performing on the way into New Mexicann Natural Medicine. The friendly staff was more than accommodating, politely ignoring my faulty footwork and pointing me to what I can say without a hint of bias was the most breathtakingly beautiful public restroom I've ever encountered.
Once my fugue state had left me, I carefully made my way back to the counter and sighed a thank you. The gracious budtender refrained from commenting on my dance skills and instead gave me a tour of the menu. I took a few sniffs at some pleasantly aromatic flowers and picked out two grams. While looking at some of the products under the glass, my eyes kept wandering over to the edibles. I hadn't eaten yet. There were some hard candies and packages of strange-looking orange tubes.
My 'tender told me they were cheese-flavored snacks called, “Weed Itz” (50mg THC, $10). She pulled out a tray of samples. I took a nibble and immediately was blasted into hyperspace. My face flushed as the morsel melted over my tongue, and I instinctively covered my face with Protestant shame. Was the sample medicated? No, dear reader. This intense psychedelic effect came from nothing more than that terrible seducer butter.
I realized the danger of a hungry cannabis reviewer, driving down I-25 with a full box of these beasts beckoning from the backseat. “Just a taste, Joshie. One little taste won't hurt,” they would call. I decided to pass on the Weed-Itz and instead get a hunk of maple walnut fudge (50mg THC, $9.50) for later that evening. As I left, a speaker somewhere started playing “Midnight City.” It gave the hour-long drive home a strange flavor.
I was back before noon and getting to work on an indica-dominant hybrid called Blackberry Hope (THC: 18.2%, CBD: 0.3%—$11.43/gram) when I was confronted with a bit of disappointment. Although its fruity smell and pretty buds made it appear to have been a prize at some point, it had since become dry and brittle, and the bowl disappeared quickly with no taste to speak of and no noticeable effects.
I cracked into the other gram ahead of schedule and gave it a poke and a squeeze. They seemed absolutely fine, above average even. Curiouser and curiouser.
I didn't take the time to really explore the mystery, though. I went ahead and chomped on the fudge, so it would kick in an hour later. It was amazing! More often than not, the taste of cannabis will make an edible unpleasant, but this one seemed to really enhance the maple flavor. It was a terrible chore to get through the decadent, rich and delicious candy, but I managed.
While I waited, I opened the pack of Superman OG (THC: 20%, CBD: 0.16%—$11.43/gram). The flower was dense and beautiful and smelled earthy. Its peppery smoke caused deep, clearing coughs. I was immediately overcome with feelings of well-being and after a few hits, a deeply relaxing sensation spread across my shoulders and down my arms. I've been having issues with wrist inflammation lately, and I became aware of a noticeable decrease in pain and numbness. It almost made up for the earlier bummer.
As I stared at the back of my hands, not exactly recognizing them, my dog started doing a dance that I was all too familiar with. I took her outside, where she led me to right under my neighbors' window. They were arguing loudly, and I tried to pretend they weren't there. A low hiss began to build around us, and I yanked the dog into the street just in time to miss most of the water from the timed sprinklers. The candy was starting to work. I was laughing madly and feeling better than I had in a long time. Not exactly leaping over tall buildings, but good enough.