Alibi V.26 No.37 • Sept 14-20, 2017 

Odds & Ends

Odds and Ends

Dateline: England

Liam Smyth, a grad student at Britain’s University of Bristol, had what could be one of the most awkward first dates ever—starting with a broken toilet and ending with a fire department rescue. On a GoFundMe page set up earlier this month, Smyth wrote about a dinner date he had with a woman he met on Tinder. The two went back to Smyth’s flat after a meal of Peri-Peri chicken to drink some wine and watch a documentary on Scientology. About an hour into the film, the woman—whom Smyth declined to name—got up to use the bathroom. When she returned, Smyth said, she had “a panicked look in her eye.” According to Smyth the woman told him, “I went for a poo in your toilet, and it would not flush.” The woman said she tried to cover up her crime by fishing the log out of the toilet, wrapping it in tissue paper and tossing it out the bathroom window. “I don’t know why I did this,” she told him. “I panicked.” Smyth gallantly suggested the two go outside, “bag up the offending poo” and “pretend the whole sorry affair never happened.” Unfortunately, wrote Smyth, his bathroom window does not open into the outside garden, but “into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, separated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window.” Smyth noted that, “It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.” Further complicating matters was the fact that Smyth’s bathroom window only opened a few inches at the top. Smyth decided to go find a hammer to break open the window, but his date had other ideas. The “amateur gymnast” climbed up to the top of the window and dangled the top half of her body down into tight gap in an attempt to snag the poop with a plastic bag. Miraculously, the poop was removed, but when Smyth came to rescue the woman, “She was stuck. Stuck fast.” After his date hung, upside down, out his bathroom window for about 15 minutes, Smyth decided to call the local fire brigade. Bristol’s finest arrived in a few minutes and soon broke the window out to free the trapped woman. Avon Fire & Rescue confirmed Smyth’s story, posting images of the rescue on Twitter. The woman was, according to Smyth, unharmed in the incident. But his bathroom window sustained £300 worth of damage—hence the GoFundMe page Smyth set up. The feel-good punchline to the story is that Smyth’s page raised over 10 times his original campaign amount. After fixing his window, Smyth plans to donate the excess amount (nearly $3000) to several charities, including Toilet Twinning—which builds and maintains flush toilets in the developing world. Miraculously, Smyth has not ruled out another date with the poop flinger. “She’s a lovely girl,” Smyth told the Daily Star. “I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’m really busy with my dissertation at the moment.”

Dateline: France

Police in Chalons-en-Champagne solved a nearly four-decade-old crime when drought conditions caused the water in a swamp to recede, uncovering a stolen vehicle. In an Aug. 31 Facebook post, Gendarmerie de la Marne said a property owner in Northern France contacted authorities to report that a muddy pond on their property had receded amid a recent drought and revealed the top of a Peugeot 104. The car was pulled from the swamp after divers confirmed there was no corpse inside. Police later determined the vehicle had been reported stolen back in 1979. Mechanic Franck Ménard told England’s Telegraph the crayfish-covered, four-door hatchback was “really well-preserved” for having spent the last 38 years underwater. Police told reporters the car’s owner was “quite emotional and moved” to hear the cold case had been solved. Technically, the vehicle is now the property of the insurance company that paid out the owner’s claim. Nonetheless, Mr. Ménard said the woman is expected to visit the vehicle in his garage one last time “for the sake of nostalgia.”

Dateline: Germany

In honor of Oktoberfest—Munich’s famous festival of sausage and intoxication—sports giant Adidas is releasing a brand new sneaker marketed as beer and vomit proof. The brown leather shoes are inspired by traditional Bavarian lederhosen and are stamped with the word “Prost!” (“Cheers!”) in discreet gold lettering. According to the manufacturer, the limited edition “Adidas München” boast a special “DBPR” (“durable puke and beer repellent”) coating. The shoes sell for around €200 ($240).

Compiled by Joshua Lee. Email your weird news to devin@alibi.com.