ARIES (March 21-April 19): Welcome to Swami Moonflower's Psychic Hygiene Hints. Ready for some mystical cleansing? Hint #1) To remove stains on your attitude, use a blend of Chardonnay wine, tears from a cathartic crying session, and dew collected before dawn. Hint #2) To eliminate glitches in your love life, polish your erogenous zones with pomegranate juice while you visualize the goddess kissing your cheek. #3) To get rid of splotches on your halo, place angel food cake on your head for two minutes, then bury the cake in holy ground while chanting, "It's not my fault! My evil twin's a jerk!" #4) To banish the imaginary monkey on your back, whip your shoulders with a long silk ribbon until the monkey runs away. #5) To purge negative money karma, burn a dollar bill in the flame of a green candle.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A reader named Kameel Hawa writes that he "prefers pleasure to leisure and leisure to luxury." That list of priorities would be excellent for you to adopt during the coming weeks. My analysis of the astrological omens suggests that you will be the recipient of extra amounts of permission, relief, approval, and ease. I won't be surprised if you come into possession of a fresh X-factor or wild card. In my opinion, to seek luxury would be a banal waste of such precious blessings. You'll get more health-giving benefits that will last longer if you cultivate simple enjoyments and restorative tranquility.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The coming weeks will be an excellent time to cruise past the houses where you grew up, the schools you used to attend, the hotspots where you and your old friends hung out, and the places where you first worked and had sex. In fact, I recommend a grand tour of your past. If you can't literally visit the locations where you came of age, simply visualize them in detail. In your imagination, take a leisurely excursion through your life story. Why do I advise this exercise? Because you can help activate your future potentials by reconnecting with your roots.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): One of my favorite Cancerian artists is Penny Arcade, a New York performance artist, actress and playwright. In this horoscope, I offer a testimonial in which she articulates the spirit you'd be wise to cultivate in the coming weeks. She says, "I am the person I know best, inside out, the one who best understands my motivations, my struggles, my triumphs. Despite occasionally betraying my best interests to keep the peace, to achieve goals, or for the sake of beloved friendships, I astound myself by my appetite for life, my unwavering curiosity into the human condition, my distrust of the status quo, my poetic soul and abiding love of beauty, my strength of character in the face of unfairness, and my optimism despite defeats and loss."
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The Witwatersrand is a series of cliffs in South Africa. It encompasses 217 square miles. From this area, which is a tiny fraction of the Earth's total land surface, humans have extracted 50 percent of all the gold ever mined. I regard this fact as an apt metaphor for you to meditate on in the next 12 months, Leo. If you're alert, you will find your soul's equivalent of Witwatersrand. What I mean is that you'll have a golden opportunity to discover emotional and spiritual riches that will nurture your soul as it has rarely been nurtured.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): What I wish for you is a toasty coolness. I pray that you will claim a messy gift. I want you to experience an empowering surrender and a calming climax. I very much hope, Virgo, that you will finally see an obvious secret and capitalize on some unruly wisdom and take an epic trip to an intimate turning point. I trust that you'll find a barrier that draws people together instead of keeping them apart. These wonders may sound paradoxical, and yet they're quite possible and exactly what you need.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Psychologist James Hansell stated his opinion of psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud: "He was wrong about so many things. But he was wrong in such interesting ways. He pioneered a whole new way of looking at things." That description should provide good raw material for you to consider as you play with your approach to life in the coming weeks, Libra. Being right won't be half as important as being willing to gaze at the world from upside-down, inside-out perspectives. So I urge you to put the emphasis on formulating experimental hypotheses, not on proving definitive theories. Be willing to ask naive questions and make educated guesses and escape your own certainties.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You're entering a phase of your astrological cycle when you'll be likely to receive gifts at a higher rate than usual. Some gifts could be big, complex, and catalytic, though others may be subtle, cryptic, or even covert. While some may be useful, others could be problematic. So I want to make sure you know how important it is to be discerning about these offerings. You probably shouldn't blindly accept all of them. For instance, don't rashly accept a "blessing" that would indebt or obligate you to someone in ways that feel uncomfortable.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You are currently under the influence of astrological conditions that have led to dramatic boosts of self-esteem in laboratory rats. To test the theory that this experimental evidence can be applied to humans, I authorize you to act like a charismatic egomaniac in the coming weeks. Just kidding! I lied about the lab rats. And I lied about you having the authorization to act like an egomaniac. But here are the true facts: The astrological omens suggest you can and should be a lyrical swaggerer and a sensitive swashbuckler.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I invite you to eliminate all of the following activities from your repertoire in the next three weeks: squabbling, hassling, feuding, confronting, scuffling, skirmishing, sparring, and brawling. Why is this my main message to you? Because the astrological omens tell me that everything important you need to accomplish will come from waging an intense crusade of peace, love, and understanding. The bickering and grappling stuff won't help you achieve success even a little—and would probably undermine it.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Stockbrokers in Pakistan grew desperate when the Karachi Stock Exchange went into a tailspin. In an effort to reverse the negative trend, they performed a ritual sacrifice of ten goats in a parking lot. But their "magic" failed. Stocks continued to fade. Much later they recovered, but not in a timely manner that would suggest the sacrifice worked. I urge you to avoid their approach to fixing problems, especially now. Reliance on superstition and wishful thinking is guaranteed to keep you stuck. On the other hand, I'm happy to inform you that the coming weeks will be a highly favorable time to use disciplined research and rigorous logic to solve dilemmas.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In the coming days, maybe you could work some lines from the Biblical "Song of Solomon" into your intimate exchanges. The moment is ripe for such extravagance. Can you imagine saying things like, "Your lips are honey," or "You are a fountain in the garden, a well of living waters"? In my opinion, it wouldn't even be too extreme for you to murmur, "May I find the scent of your breath like apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my caresses." If those sentiments seem too flowery, you could pluck gems from Pablo Neruda's love sonnets. How about this one: "I want to do with you what spring does to the cherry trees." Here's another: "I hunger for your sleek laugh and your hands the color of a furious harvest. I want to eat the sunbeams flaring in your beauty."
[Homework: Each of us has a secret ignorance. What's yours? What will you do about it? Testify at Freewillastrology.com.]