You're freaking me out!
Don't get me wrong. I love Bob Marley as much as the next guy, but every time he tells me not to worry about a thing because every little thing's going to be all right, I can't help but wonder if he's smoking something a bit more potent than ordinary mota.
Come on. This world is dangerous, Bob. If you're not worried, then you're brain-damaged, buddy. What with bioterrorism, tornadoes, violent teenagers, plutonium in our ground water, hanta virus and the Bush administration, not to mention plain old-fashioned death and pain, there's no shortage of things to worry about, and there sure as hell isn't any guarantee that everything's going to be all right either. It's actually enormously probable that everything's going to end quite badly.
So what are you worried about? That's what we here at the Alibi want to know. Confess your deepest darkest fears to us. Not the boring run-of-the-mill fears. Everyone's scared of Vienna sausages. That's a given. We want to hear from people with truly unnatural phobias involving Nicole Kidman or over-confident children or cantaloupe. You know, the really sick stuff.
Yep, we're conducting a nifty little social experiment here at Alibi Central, and y'all are invited to take part. Send us a description in 300 words or less of your weirdest, most neurotic, most absurdly irrational fear, and there's a good chance your phobia will make a star appearance in the pages of the Alibi some day soon. E-mail your worry to Simon, our in-house fear specialist, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include your full name and a daytime phone number where you can be reached.
Thank you for your help. By participating, you have greatly aided the noble cause of science. After all, to paraphrase William S. Burroughs, paranoia merely means having all the facts.