Snack Attack No. 11

Oscar Meyer Fast Franks

We’re going to hell for this and you know it.
We’re going to hell for this and you know it.

Microwaveable hot dogs with the buns already on them? Well, I guess that’s one way to solve the age-old problem of ten wieners and eight buns. But how could anyone in a normal or below average income bracket possibly justify spending $3 on three hot dogs to eat at home? I bought a pack for investigative purposes, and hid them in the back of the fridge so no one would make fun of me.

Finally I was alone, and I pulled off the vacuum sealed wrapper, unwrapped the first one and placed it (in its convenient little paper cartridge) into the microwave. In the time it took to unwrap one I could probably have cooked a dozen the old fashioned way. I zapped it for a few seconds, pulled out my weiner (I’ve always wanted to say that) and decorated it according to my personal desires.

I took a bite, chewed for a moment and contemplated how lazy we as a people have become. People in other countries don’t even have plain rice; we have pilaf. They get dirty water; we have diet sodas to keep our sedentary asses from hitting critical mass. They have Sally Struthers; we get Richard Simmons ... OK, we’re even-Steven on that one. But anyway, the dog was perfect, the bun was perfect (although I could detect more sugar in it than usual) but the guilt remained. So here’s my advice. Spend $3 and get a dozen separate—the three I got will feed, like, one person anyway. The day that I get so m*****f*****g lazy that I can’t boil a package of m*****f*****g hot dogs is the same day I put a pistol in my mouth and end it. Wanna know more? Web ‘em at [link].

Next week, the new lasagna pizza from Pizza Hut. It makes quite a splash (in my bathroom).