You’re Just Gonna Wipe That Right on Your Jacket Aren’t You?

Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny? Back in the ’80s when the special effects were rockin’ and every heroine wore intense shoulder pads? Last night I was treated to “ The Golden Child,” a movie I watched as a kid almost as frequently as “ Romancing the Stone.”

“The Golden Child” would have been the shittiest movie were it not for Murphy ad-libbing his way through it. A bald, parrot-enlivening kid? A back-flipping but seriously spiritual hottie? The snake lady whose ancestor was raped by a dragon? And the most comically evil villains of all time?

If you haven’t seen this one, I highly recommend it. I’d give you some more awesome lines (aside from the title here), but they’re really not funny unless Murphy’s delivering them. Wait, except for this one: “Only a man whose heart is pure can wield the knife, and only a man whose ass is narrow can get down these steps. And if mine's is such an ass, then I shall have it. “

Also, Murphy continually threatens to “Break your ass.” I remember when people used to say that. Have we lost this linguistic gem?

So when the commercials came on, I flicked over to watch a little Leno. How did I miss reading this story last year? These two dudes in southern New Mexico were tracing a loaded .357-caliber Magnum for a tattoo. Then the gun went off. One guy got shot in the hand, and I think the bullet went through his hand and shot the other guy in the arm. These are the kinds of things New Mexico gets national attention for.

Maybe you all know about that. But the moral of the story is: Watch or re-watch “The Golden Child.”