Plastic surgery news from the DNC

I feel sorry for the guy who had to open for Hillary Clinton. It was Montana Gov. Brian Schweitzer, not that you probably care either. All cameras were on Bill Clinton in the stands, all commentators anticipating Hillary’s speech. Schweitzer is apparently very popular in Montana, and the crowd loved the speech, so I hear. It went like this: “Republicans are bad, Democrats good. Obama, voting.” I’m paraphrasing, but only a little.

The media couldn’t afford to look away from Bill, just in case he picked his nose maybe, or pulled a gun and started shooting. To the television audience HE was the opening act. He did nothing but gape slack-jawed in rapturous wonder like a three-year-old or a senile grandparent. Like all opening acts, the audience turned on him, malicious in their impatience. I was in a bar, so there may have been some drunkenness involved.

“He has his mouth open because of the chin work he got done! He can’t close it anymore. Not enough Skin.” I don’t follow plastic-surgery news myself, but his waddle did in fact seem reduced. The open mouth was a constant source of speculation. For twenty minutes we stared at him chewing on his tongue, clumsily licking his lips, silently mouthing words to nobody. It was baffling, since he clearly knew he was on the Jumbotron.

“Look at those nails! I bet he gets manicured everyday by a little Japanese girl.” Manicured was intoned in a way that clearly implied a euphemism. No fewer than three girls mentioned his big, strong hands, making me self-consciously tuck my stubby fingers under myself like it was strip club rules.

“Change the channel, this is bullshit!” People who previously passed in polite society are compelled to out themselves as Republicans when forced to watch a Clinton for more than a few minutes: It’s like Wonder Woman’s magic lasso of truth. The point of this pep-rally was to whip the mob into frenzy; nobody thinks it’s going to actually change any minds. Everyone is already decided, even the idiots who can’t grasp the issues or the vapid that don’t follow them. The only people who claim undecided are the ones with loved ones militant in the enemy camp. They are afraid to assert themselves or offend anyone. I hate those people much more than the ones I disagree with.

“Turn it up when she starts!” the rabid fans demanded. Contrary to Hillary’s speech, some Democrats WERE just voting for Hillary, and seem fine with salting the Earth in her wake.

Then I had to clock in to work, and could only watch the rest of the actual speech from 30 feet across the bar. The subtitles didn’t quite synch up with the video, and her head and mouth seemed to move, like a bad puppet show, independent of the words. There is a metaphor for the crowd in there somewhere.