¡Ask a Mexican! Sneak Preview!
Special Pandemic Edition
by Gustavo Arellano
Dear Mexican: Is it true that most Mexicans are carriers of the swine flu due to the fact they eat a lot of chicharrones, or is it the fact that your women are so pig-like? I knew that Mexicans have muy shitty diets, but now we have to worry about them infecting us with a pig-borne disease? Maybe we should put Clorox in the Rio Grande to cleanse your people while they swim to our country illegally. Any ideas?
—Penis is Gnat-Small
Dear PIGS: Amazingly, yours was the only cochino comment or query that the Mexican received in the two weeks since the emergence of the most destructive “Mexican” pathogen desde Carlos Mencia. Only time will tell whether the swine flu will fizzle out or turn us all into zombies (or, in the case of Mexicans, cucuys), so I’ll just limit my comentario to a few salient puntos. Firstly, most of the American cases first affected non-Mexicans, and nearly all of the infected arrived legally from Mexico, so no need to blame the illegals this time, Know Nothings. The best way to protect oneself from any disease is pozole with serrano peppers, onions and a tequila chaser. And finally, instead of labeling this disease as swine flu, let us all unite in calling it the Lou Dobbs flu, both to the CNN anchor’s porcine appearance and because his opinions are little better than pig caca, but hella more dangerous.
Dear Mexican: I’m a mother to a beautiful 5-year-old. Her father and I are of different ethnicities, with his bordering on Gringo (he's Greek). I’m a dark-skinned mexicana and proud of it! My daughter is the opposite of me: Mediterranean olive skin with crystal-blue eyes and a head of gorgeous chestnut hair. Anyway, the other day, my nena was feeling sick and I took her into the pediatrician. While waiting there, a woman who clearly had no tact or manners asked me a question I thought was offensive. She asked how long I had been nannying and if I babysat on my free time. I looked at her and politely said that I wasn't this child’s nanny but rather her mother. She looked unconvinced and then had the huevos to ask me if I adopted her and from where. The fiery Latina in me was heated to say the least, and thankfully, the nurse called us in before I had the chance to tell the puta to fuck off. Why is it impossible for gabachos to believe that darker-skinned Mexicans can make gringo-looking babies? For the record, my baby speaks English, Spanish and Greek. How many gringos can say that about their children?
—I've Got the Scar to Prove It
Dear Wabette: You need to be more sympathetic to the intellectual plight of gabachos. This column exists solely because most of them can’t fathom simple issues pertaining to la raza like the origins of the upside-down exclamation point at the beginning of some sentences and why we like salsa so much; you honestly expect them to comprehend that Mexis come in all colores, especially given that our loudest yaktivists have anointed us with the shade of brown to join white, yellow, black and red on America’s racial spectrum? Sí, gabachos: Mexicans span the color spectrum. My mother is as white as a porcelain doll; mi papi, as swarthy as a Sicilian. Now, excuse me while I scarf down another bowl of pozole and fend off the Lou Dobbs gripa.