Rock You Like a Himacane

“Of course there’s a hyphen in ‘hanky-panky.’ And we’ll have none of it.” —The   Stylebook   personified
“Of course there’s a hyphen in ‘hanky-panky.’ And we’ll have none of it.” —The Stylebook personified

When I first met the The Associated Press Stylebook oh so many years ago, I found it smug, snobbish. I resented it the way I resent anyone who’s constantly correcting me. It’s a newsroom’s Holy Words Book, consulted by irreverent, suspicious journalists who rarely agree on anything. If the Stylebook didn’t exist, “left-hander” might appear hyphenated in some articles and unhyphenated in others. The chaos!

Year after year, The Book’s organization (overseen by a crackerjack team of coked-up virgos, I imagine) baffles. It makes a special sense once you’ve navigated it for a spell, but how user-friendly is that, really? Further, I ask you, should Stylebook be one word? I remain unconvinced that it doesn’t belong to the same Frankensteinian family as “appletini.”

Maybe that’s why the Fake AP Stylebook Twitter feed tickles me so. Entries:

Use “shall” in formal propositions. Ex: I shall rock you like a hurricane, Your Majesty.

You don't spell 'whiskey,' you savor it.

Commas are probably the most misunderstood of all punctuation. They frequently dress in black, listen to sad music, and cut themselves.

Female: "Hurricane Jenny", male: "Himacane Jeremy.”

In a double entendre, write a figure of speech so it can be taken in two ways—from the front and from the rear.

"Babymaker" to describe sex organs. "Baby-maker" for an employee in a baby factory.

We assure you, there is no way to denote sarcasm in text.