Couch Potato

I Like to Watch (Instantly): She

Or maybe I don’t

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Directed by Avi Nesher

Cast: Sandahl Bergman, David Goss, Quin Kessler, Harrison Muller Jr., Elena Wiedermann, Gordon Mitchell, Laurie Sherman, Andrew McLeay

Is this a recommendation or a warning? Only you can decide.

The unlikable protagonists, Tom and Dick, are wandering around a post-apocalyptic bizarro world where each town is a separate movie cliché. They’re looking for their kidnapped sister, Hari. So that’s Tom, Dick and Hari. They don’t say much during the movie, though Dick is kind of rape-y.

The brothers are kidnapped themselves by a worshipper of the goddess She. Tom is shoved into a series of wooden spikes lined up as a wooden-spike gauntlet in a scene of the worst acting, camerawork and blood effects I have ever seen. He’s left for dead.

Goddess She embarks on some kind of test in an area full of packing crates. The props master clearly told some flunky to spray tough-looking graffiti on all of the crates, so they say “New York” and “Danger” and “Don’t Touch.” If you decide to watch this flick, pay attention to the graffiti throughout. It’s a highlight.

Tom and Dick
Tom and Dick
With her big knives tucked sexily into her revealing white shift (because when the society goes matriarchal, women are even MORE sexy and wear even LESS clothing despite the necessities of battle), She defeats a bunch of giant masked dudes who jump out of the packing crates. A mechanical Frankenstein is her last foe.

Tom survives the spikes somehow and kidnaps the goddess in the next scene by picking her up with his hands. That was easy! Then he puts her on a horse and rides away, keeping her hostage with one arm while commanding the horse with the other.

They end up in a leper town, and the lepers have apparently seen the Star Wars trash compactor scene, because they throw Tom, Dick and She into the exact same scenario. She’s warrior women, all wearing tighty whiteys, rescue them. (The actresses in this cinematic masterpiece clearly do 120 minutes of step aerobics each day.)

Sandahl Bergman, potentially in   She  . This may also be a picture from   Conan the Barbarian  , but it’s hard to say because studded headbands are involved in both.
Sandahl Bergman, potentially in She . This may also be a picture from Conan the Barbarian , but it’s hard to say because studded headbands are involved in both.
The goddess doesn’t allow her soldiers to kill Tom and Dick—in spite of the kidnapping and rape innuendo—and instead chooses to follow them through dangerous situations while they look for their sister. Never mind the entire village of worshipers waiting to say “She, She, She, She, She, She, She” for waaaaay too long back home.

They meet up with vampires in Grecian garb, a communist god who controls things with his glowing green eyes, and a man in a ballerina costume who works for an old-man scientist wearing lipstick.

There’s a moment where one of the commie god’s followers kills him to find out if he’s mortal, and then screams about how the god lied to them. I was totally hooked. Sometimes even bad imaginations produce good moments if you get in deep enough.

She stars Sandahl Bergman as the goddess, though it seems like her IMDb bio is trying really hard to forget that.

In sum: Wait, what?