The News You Missed
We scoop up what our competition won't touch
Once again, it's time for the Alibi's managing editor, me, to dig through the deluge of press releases that come flooding into our email account so I can bring you the stories that our competition isn't brave enough to cover!
Hi Ty, In January the Huffington Post boldly claimed that 2015 is the year of chickpea flour.
Holy shit, 2015 is the year of chickpea flour. And here I am scarfing down bagfuls of sorghum flour like an ignorant rube. Anyway, for those of you who are celebrating this important year, the author of the press release would like to direct your attention to this, the Chickpea Flour Cookbook.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The Purcell Tire and Service Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico, moved its location in September of 2015.
Didn't see that one in the pages of the Free Press, did you?
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Trigger Electric Bull Horn
This horn man. This horn offers "maximum power in a compact, rugged, bright red package." This horn is loud, and you know it's loud, because Trigger Air Horn's slogan is "Go Loud or Go Home." And they certainly aren't going home. Why? Because THEY ARE GOING LOUD INSTEAD. SO LOUD.
Also, "they are so loud they are not for sale in North Dakota and Wyoming."
Check out their not-very-loud facebook page here. IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT!!!
This Is Making Your Herpes Recovery IMPOSSIBLE
First of all, this subject line is pretty presumptuous. But it's got nothing on the squirm-inducing body of the email, which can be nicely encapsulated in this quote from the release: "A recent scientific discovery now found how the virus can be 'flushed out' of his cranny."
No word on what the cranny-flushing scientific discovery is, or for that matter how we know that herpes is a he. There's a web link included, but I'm not going to post it here because I'm pretty sure that going there will give your computer herpes.