Edith: Let's Talk About MY Pants

Please and Thank You

Oh my gosh! That lumpiness! That smushed flatness! That's EXACTLY what I want my ass to look like!
Oh my gosh! That lumpiness! That smushed flatness! That's EXACTLY what I want my ass to look like!

Back in June, before crafting her fabled musings on beer and random celebrity crushes, the inimitable Ms. Edith P. Giblets wrote about her pants. I presently find myself in a similar situation as Ms. Giblets did this summer, but I fear that I will not be able to reconcile it as seamlessly as she did with her Urban (i.e. "ethnic") Fit Jeans from Banana Republic.

The problem is that my weird body – whose lower half is defined by a long lankiness, a surprisingly rotund rump, and chicken-like legs that are disproportionately (to the rump) slim – is too big in some places and too small in others and just doesn’t fit into most pants. Not work-appropriate, non-denim pants, anyway.

Unless, it seems, the pants are trousers with a two-hundred-dollar-plus price tag. A habit which, you might be shocked to know, writing for the Alibi and managing the day-to-days of a nonprofit just can’t support. And which my strong aversion to feeling ripped off just can’t allow.

But after spending a whole day unsuccessfully shopping for work-suitable slacks (despite really really really hating shopping), I realized that those outrageously priced trousers might be my only hope. So I did what any desperately logical person would, and I went searching on eBay. I entered the search criteria ‘NWT Theory Trouser’ and ‘NWT Chaiken Pant’ so many times that they are, now, the involuntary reflex of my typing fingers. But to little avail.

Because even though I know the pants that fell off a Bloomingdale’s truck and into the arms of Palm Spring’s eBay broker XQZAmeriShop will fit me – and fit me beautifully, I might add – the pictures that accompany their eBay listing descriptions make them look like they really, really won’t. Like they might not actually be the ones I’m thinking of, the styles that I know and love. And, moreover, like they might make me look like the ill-fated, lumpy-bottomed models that someone mistakenly decided to swathe in my beloved trousers. And thus, I just can't bring myself to buy them.

Aaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.