Alibi V.27 No.43 • Oct 25-31, 2018 

Cannabis Manual

One of Us

pot
Eric Williams Photography

I know “nerd” doesn't hold the same connotation as it did when I was growing up in the distant reaches of prehistory (back then, “nerd” referred to a game animal often stalked in the wilds of high school libraries and treasured for their cowlicks and failure to elicit empathy).

Someone told me he was a “weed nerd,” you know “Like you,” he said.

No, no. Not me, I'd protested.

Now, sitting at home and counting the redundant smoking apparatus hidden around my apartment, the caches of different strains and waxes in different holes, the constant smell of rocket fuel burning—I wonder if I did protest too much.

It's really hard not to become a gross proselytizer about cannabis. Like fantasy football players or kindergarten teachers who do Crossfit more than the recommended amount of times a week, I noticed that when people ask me questions about cannabis (a common threat when you work in this business) my chin climbs a few inches and my voice starts getting very loud. I start talking in a very … specific … rhythm.

It's embarrassing, but good luck stopping it. Sometimes stupid factoids just come bubbling up in my throat like they own the place. I sit up in the corner of the room, watching myself in horror as my friends and family feign interest and I froth and stamp.

Nerd.

So here's another Cannabis Manual, full of tidbits you can repeat at parties. Your friends will think you're obsessed and you'll want to shake them until they listen. Every once in an odd moon, you'll come across someone else. They'll make eye contact with you from the other side of the room, and you'll shout statistics at each other that you've both already heard. Everyone else will roll their eyes or politely sneak away, but you'll both start stamping and frothing in an unattractive display of wanton dweebiness. Good luck with that.

The good news is it's an enthusiasm that's contagious. At the beginning of October, the New Mexico Department of Health reported 58,782 patients. Most of them report similar attacks of nerdiness regularly.

(We do not hold ourselves responsible for any obsessive behavior traits developed after reading the following educational materials.)

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