Good jokes, bad jokes and jokes that barely make any sense at all (yes, we think we’re hilarious!)
By Steven Robert Allen
This sad, violent, pestilent world of ours would be absolutely unbearable if we didn’t make lots and lots of jokes about it. With this in mind, we at the Alibi came up with the hiiiiillllaaaarrrriiiiooouuusss idea to brighten up this holiday season with an issue devoted to the fine art of joke telling. We got lots of people from the community to share their favorite jokes with us. We also asked several experts to discuss the various philosophies, strategies and risks associated with humor, so that even if you don’t laugh your buns off at these jokes, at least you’ll get an education.
Laugh It Up
Nothing is as sad as a Tyrannosaurus trying to do a push-up.—Tony Santiago
What do you call a good-looking radical Islamist?
What do you have if you have two piñon in one hand and one piñon in the other?
A difference of a piñon.—Eric Griego
There are two mushrooms, and they go out on a date. They have a good time and the guy mushroom brings the girl mushroom home and asks if he can call her. She tells him no, and he says, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”—Amy “Danger” Coplan
How come cannibals don’t eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What do eskimos get from sitting on ice too long?
Polaroids.—Scott Baker, Standard Diner
What kind of cheese isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.—Dave Phillips, The Grove Café and Market
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?!—K.C. Raver
Two aging, retired race horses, Hank and Snowball, live in a beautiful pasture on a farm in central Kentucky. One day Snowball says to Hank: "Hank, all our lives we've raced each other, and all our lives you've always won every race. Just this once, Hank, I'd like us to race and for you to let me win."
Hank replies, "OK, Snowball, you got it. Let's race down to the tree at the bottom of the pasture and I'll let you win this one time." Snowball is delighted.
So Hank and Snowball start to race, tearing down the pasture at lightning speed, and Snowball is gleefully winning for the first time in his entire life. He's so thrilled! Then, just as the horses near the tree that serves as the finish line, Hank cuts in front of Snowball and wins yet again.
An angry, frustrated Snowball looks at Hank and says, "Hank! Why? What gives? I thought you were going to let me win this time?"
A dog sitting at the foot of the tree looks up and says, "Yeah, Hank, I thought you were going to let Snowball win. What gives?"
A stunned Hank leans over to Snowball and says, "Look, Snowball! A talking dog!"—George Bach, ACLU lawyer
Do you like my new teeth?
I got them at the Gap!—Kevin Elder
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he could monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.—”Sludge Cakes”
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.—S. Morton
I don’t understand why a male friend of mine feels it necessary to leave an empty space between him and me when attending a movie. It sure makes it difficult to give him a blow job during the scary parts.—Mark Chavez
Sounds Funny to Me
Jokes from Rocksquawk.com, Albuquerque's online rock music community
How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one--to hold it while the world revolves around him.
What do you call a drummer who's just broken up with his girlfriend?
How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
B flat, D flat minor and F walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve minors,” so D flat leaves, and B flat and F have an open fifth between them.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw the changes, we'll fake it.
Really crappy jokes from the Web
Why don’t lobsters share?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?
He wanted a scoop.
How does a man on the moon get his hair cut?
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I'm in glove with you.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Why did they bury the battery?
Because it was dead.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
Jokes circulated ’round the Alibi office
Why did the star get up at night?
To twinkle.—Mattea Hankins, Youth Activities Coordinator
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo’drizzle!—Katie Castro, Account Executive
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Duuuuunnnnngggg!—Tom Nayder, Art Director
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowomen?
Snowballs.—Jeff Drew, Graphic Designer
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and drove up over the curb.
For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he hadn’t realized a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no. I’m sorry. It’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 23 years.”—Ilene Style, Account Executive
The Nick Brown Joke Extravaganza!
A guy is out driving around and sees a sign in a yard: Talking dog $5. Naturally, he investigates. There, in the backyard, a rather ordinary-looking dog tells the man his tale. "I've been able to talk since I was a puppy. It wasn't long before the CIA recruited me to spy on all the leaders in Europe. After that I worked in airports for the DEA and aided in the arrest of more than 1,000 drug smugglers. I did a brief stint in the circus where I met a beautiful she-dog and had several litters of puppies. Now I'm retired."
"That's incredible," the man exclaims to the dog's owner. "Why are you selling him for only $5?"
"The dog's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull.”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” says the owner.
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “I’ll man the guns, you drive.”
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”
The psychology professor replied, “Yes, and I think it’s these pesky wicker chairs.”
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from round here, are ya?"
"No," replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do you do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looks at the bar tender and says, "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, which is staring at him: "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"