We here at your favorite alternative weekly news source have been VERY good this year. So damn good, you have no idea. And because of how good we’ve been, we deserve things because that’s how the holiday season works and we wouldn’t have been so good if we didn’t think we were going to get something out of it.
Here are the things we want. Please get them for us. Please?
I would like a bookshelf to house the ton of books that I own. Bookshelves are hard to find. Oh and a rug—a nice rug too.
When asked what he wanted for holiday presents, August March replied, saying, “I would like to keep this traditional. I would like there to be an end to war. I would like to witness global redistribution of wealth. I want there to be unlimited educational opportunities and good food for everyone, every day. That plus enough gelt to get me through at least an hour of rolling shin after shin. Oh and two decent seats with backstage interview ops at the upcoming Ween reunion gigs.”
For Christmas I want unlimited time to read, preferably under a comforter with a bottomless cup of soy nog. When I imagine this going down, I see myself with H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald, a memoir about falconry and the loss of a family member. When that gets too real, I'll pause to stretch and clean my glasses before reading the shorts culled into the collection Octavia's Brood, edited by Walidah Imarisha and Adrienne Maree Brown. These science fiction stories address the connection between literature and social change and imagine the many possible, radical futures.
Lately I'm realizing that the thing I want most is the ability to alter my reality. Which is why this year, I'm asking the magical Gift Gods to bring me a Stranger Than Fiction typewriter, so I can rewrite my fate (whatever that means), cause some trouble, and type a PS4 into existence all in one sweet package.
Managing Editor/Food Editor
First of all, I’d like the headache I’m currently suffering from to go away. And chances are that by the time this issue sees print it will be gone, so thanks in advance, Universe. Secondly, I’d like for those ISIS dudes to stop being such murderous dicks and, you know, beat their swords into ploughshares and stop beheading people and all that. Finally, I’d like my very own TARDIS. A green one.
An in-state out-of-town getaway—T or C, Santa Fe or Taos. I want food, spa and pampering. Because I need more peace and serenity in my life.
Devin D. O’Leary
Last year I wanted a week off to watch all of the movies sitting unopened by the DVD player. This year I want a week off to do nothing but play Fallout 4.
I want a Retron 5. The retro gaming revolution is a pretty cool cultural development, even though it has driven up the price of vintage cartridges and consoles. But that old hardware doesn't match well to modern TVs. Enter Retron 5, which replaces multiple systems with a single unit and upsamples output to HDMI, among other amazing feats.
A Canon Rebel T5i. Because I love photography and it takes badass pictures.
Robert Maestas & Tamara Sutton
I want a fully funcitonal robot, but not a service robot. I want a friend/attack robot. He’s my homie, but he’s got my back. And he should have a reconstructable exterior that can change to suit my whim. He can be a Rastafarian one day or a deer one day. And he can make toast inside. And produce acrylic paint on demand. And he has a cockney accent ... (Here we had to cut him off.)