“16 Lb. Tumor” (Discovery Health 7 p.m.) God bless you, DHC and your continuing efforts to gross me the hell out.
“Star Without Makeup” (KASA-2 8 p.m.) This hour-long special features pictures of movie stars without their makeup on. That's it. ... You know, I used to think the FOX network was run by monkeys. Dumb monkeys. Now I'm starting to think it's run by a less intelligent animal. Like armadillos. Drunk armadillos.
Kangaroo Jack: G'Day U.S.A. (Cartoon Network 9 p.m.) For those of you who felt that the original Kangaroo Jack was far too realistic comes this cartoon sequel.
“Carpocalypse” (Spike 6 p.m.) The manly men over at Spike TV weld “Monster Garage” onto the carcass of “Junkyard Wars” for their new reality/building show. Each week, teams speed through a junkyard trying to build a monster racing machine capable of going head-to-head in a radical racing demo. ... To which I say: Badass!
“Boom!” (Spike 7 p.m.) Increasingly, it seems that television shows are divided into one of two categories: Shows that are so stupid that they border on genius and shows that are so stupid that they border on stupid. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this one belongs in the former category. It's an entire show in which a professional pyrotechnics team blows things up. Viewers get to vote on what gets blown up each week. ... Yup, genius.
“The Dukes of Hazzard” (Country Music Television 4 p.m.) If you ain't one of those city types to go in for that highfalutin' Academy Award mumbo jumbo, you can always tune in to CMT's seven-hour marathon featuring them crazy Duke boys.
“Fashion Police: The 2005 Academy Awards” (Style 8 p.m.) Honestly, it's all about the fashions. What more traditional day-after-the-Oscars activity can one possibly engage in than watching assorted “fashion experts” snipe at dolled-up movie stars? Let's just hope somebody pulls a “Björk” this year.
“The Amazing Race 7” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) One of TV's guiltier pleasures returns for another around-the-world jaunt.
“NYPD Blue” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) The final episode of ABC's long-running cop series arrives with a one-hour retrospective and a one-hour series finale. ... Thanks for introducing ass crack to prime time television, guys.
“America's Next Top Model 4” (KASY-50 7 p.m.) Does anyone out there remember “Star Search”? I bring it up, because there was once a time in America when we had a single show to choose our next great comedian, actor, singer and model. Nowadays, we've got “The Last Comic Standing,” “The Next Great Action Star,” “American Idol” and “America's Next Top Model.” Do all these wannabes really merit their own hour-long show each week? I think not. Where's Ed McMahon when we need him?