“George Straight Team Roping” (GAC 7:30 p.m.) Wait. Do I get to team up with George Straight?
“Pimp My Ride” (MTV 11 p.m.) While I still enjoy this show, returning tonight for its new season, I can’t help but think that it’s--I don’t know--pimped out. I mean, you’ve stuffed one Xbox into the glove compartment of a 1977 Chevelle, you’ve stuffed an Xbox into them all.
“Take Home Chef” (TLC 9 p.m.) What’s easier than grabbing a box of Hamburger Helper and a chub of ground round at your neighborhood Safeway? How about picking up a chef and taking him home to make dinner for you. That’s the vaguely creepy premise of TLC’s new cooking show.
The Fog of War (History 7 p.m.) Controversial former Defense Secretary Robert McNamara discusses military issues and the Vietnam War in this gripping documentary by master filmmaker Errol Morris.
Blackbeard (Hallmark 7 p.m.) Braveheart’s Angus Macfayden stars as the infamous pirate to end all infamous pirates in this made-for-TV epic. Honestly, you can’t expect a lot from Hallmark Channel movies. But, hey, pirates!
“Treasure Hunters” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) This reality/competition show was originally trying to look like a rip-off of National Treasure. Since it took so long to get on the air, it’s now trying to look like a rip-off of The Da Vinci Code. Really, it’s just a rip-off of “The Amazing Race,” with contestants hopping around the globe and competing in assorted contests. In the end, somebody wins ... something.
“Dead Zone” (USA 8 p.m.) I find some comfort in the fact that Anthony Michael Hall is still out there plugging away. Maybe USA could throw a little bone to Molly Ringwald.
“The Dog Whisperer” (National Geographic 5 p.m.) This five-hour marathon of “Dog Whisperer” classics may just restore your faith in humanity. Seriously. If an English bulldog can learn not to attack skateboards, maybe there really can be peace in the Middle East.
House of the Dead (Sci-Fi 6 p.m.) I list this in honor of our video game issue. But recommend it only if you have a high pain tolerance.
“America’s Got Talent” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) You know who doesn’t have talent? Simon Cowell, who dreamed up this reality show in which singers, dancers, jugglers and assorted wacky acts compete against one another and are voted off by three “celebrity” judges. Simon says this is unlike any other show that’s ever been on television. Ignoring the fact that it’s just a minor variation on his other show, “American Idol,” I’d like to point out that “America’s Got Talent” is an exact recreation of “The Gong Show.” If I were Chuck Barris, I’d sue. Or pop a cap in somebody’s ass. Preferably Simon’s.