Bratz: The Movie--Normally, movies based on toys are brilliant (see He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Transformers and The Care Bears Movie for reference). Not so with this dim, mixed-message “comedy” based on the whore-like prepubescent doll line.
The Comebacks--It’s time to declare a moratorium on Airplane-inspired movie spoofs (Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie). This was the lowest of that lot, ribbing sports movie clichés (Anyone remember Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Radio? Anyone?) and luring the “star power” that is Carl Weathers.
Daddy Day Camp--How lame does a movie have to be to lose Eddie Murphy? (The guy appeared in Norbit, for crying out loud!) Originally intended as a direct-to-video sequel to Murphy’s lousy Daddy Day Care, this parade of non-laughter starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. was sent to theaters by evil TriStar executives who clearly hate us.
Delta Farce--How lame does a movie have to be to lose Jeff Foxworthy? Two-thirds of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour (Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy) agreed to star in this redneck war comedy, leaving Road Trip’s DJ Qualls to fill Foxworthy’s shoes. Talk about pressure.
Good Luck Chuck--Starring Dane Cook. ... My work here is done.
Home of the Brave--After getting booted around the schedule for nearly a year, this Iraq War drama went straight to video. In 12 months filled with dull anti-war films, this conservative, “support the troops” melodrama was the worst of all. Samuel L. Jackson’s “daddy’s drunk at Thanksgiving” scene is enough to rival Mommy Dearest for greatest single piece of overacting ever recorded.
The Last Mimzy--Aside from being a scene-for-scene rip-off of E.T. The Extraterrestrial, this preposterous “family” film is a great primer on the intersection between New Age philosophy and quantum mechanics. What kid doesn’t love those topics?
The Number 23--Jim Carrey can act. (See Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for ample proof.) But you wouldn’t know it from this indecipherable, twist-addicted mystery/
The Ten Commandments--Ever looked at one of those seedy, strip-mall churches and thought, “If God were really on their side, wouldn’t they have a better-looking church?” This crappy CGI toon engenders much the same thought. Graphics that look like they came off a Sega Genesis? Christian Slater as Moses? ... God called, guys. He’s good with the Charlton Heston version.
Youth Without Youth--Wait. What’s Francis Ford Coppola’s first feature in 10 years doing on this list? This beautiful, arty, inaccessible, painfully self-indulgent vanity project simply proves crass commercialism isn’t the only thing that can sink a film.
Also Sucked Most Heinously: Because I Said So, Epic Movie, Evan Almighty, Hostel II, I Know Who Killed Me, Kickin’ It Old School, Norbit, Perfect Stranger, Smokin’ Aces, Who’s Your Caddy?