"Last Comic Standing" (KOB-4 7 p.m.) The final five vie for a “gig in the Vegas stage show Jubilee! at Bally's Las Vegas” (no joke) in tonight's season finale. Comically magical Penn and Teller make a guest appearance, as does the comically annoying Gilbert Gottfried.
"Monday Night Football: New Orleans at Arizona" (ESPN 6 p.m.) Sure, it's Thursday. But who cares? Let's get ready for some football!
"So You Think You Can Dance" (KASA-2 7 p.m.) It's a night for finales. (Cramming them in before prime time gets dominated by the Olympics, no doubt). Four dancers, one winner, endless flashback scenes.
"XXIX Summer Olympics: Opening Ceremonies"
"America's Most Wanted: America Fights Back" (KASA-2 8 p.m.) Forget the Dark Knight, John Walsh is a real-life superhero. His superpower? The vigilance of America’s TV watchers. We've got your back, Walsh. Together, we'll stop all crime.
"I Love Money" (VH1 7 p.m.) In an attempt to steer viewers away from the Summer Olympics (right now on KOB-4; quick—there's still time to avert your eyes), VH1 gives us another rehashing of all those celebreality shows we love, love, love to hate. This one pits the losers of “Rock of Love,” "I Love New York" and "Flavor of Love" against each other for a $250,000 prize, which is, apparently, the price of dignity.
"XXIX Summer Olympics" (KOB-4 6 p.m.) Michael Phelps is swimming tonight. Need I say more?
"Wanna Bet?" (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) Can a 30-member marching band stuff itself into a van and play “When the Saints Go Marching In” in 10 seconds or less? Who knows?! If it does, and one of the celebrity panelists bets it can, that celebrity's chosen charity gets some dough. If not, well, we'll still laugh at the sousaphone player as he tries pull his horn out of the back end.
"Wipeout" (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Dear ABC producers: When you rip off a show with such an awesome title as “Ninja Warrior” and limply name its clone “Wipeout,” could you please, please not tag the recap episode “Wipey Awards”? Pretty please? It sounds like toilet humor and the ninjas aren't laughing.
"MonsterQuest: Bigfoot in New York" (History 7 p.m.) Upstate New York's Monster of Whitehall stands 8 feet tall (allegedly) and sounds like a women screaming (apparently). Awesome (totally)!