“The Trials of Ted Haggard” (HBO 6 p.m.) Semi-disgraced evangelist Ted Haggard explains why he’s so totally over that whole crystal meth and male hookers thing ... sweet, sweeeeet crystal meth and male hookers.
“Pepsi Smash Super Bowl Bash 2009” (VH1 7 p.m.) VH1 faves Rihanna, Lifehouse and Fall Out Boy show off their rockin’ love for all things football-related. ... Yeah, I’m sure Pete Wentz is a big Steelers fan. Snicker.
“Monk” (USA 7 p.m.) Networks that aren’t even broadcasting the big game are trying to cash in on it this week. Here, for example, we have Monk trying to solve the mystery of a football stadium bomber. After that, the guys from “Psych” go to football training camp.
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains (TCM 12:30 a.m.) Young Diane Lane wears a mohawk, looks incredible and stars in this long-lost 1982 drama about an all-girl punk band.
“Super Bowl’s Greatest Commercials” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Mean Joe Green, the iMac “1984” spot and that Go Daddy chick. Have I missed anything?
“Puppy Bowl V” (Animal Planet 1 p.m.) If the Super Bowl starts to lag, you can always turn over to Animal Planet for an all-day feed of puppies frolicking on AstroTurf.
“Wipeout Bowl I: Cheerleaders vs. Couch Potatoes” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) ABC is banking on the fact that you don’t like Bruce Springsteen and will tune out the half-time show to catch this muddy showdown between chubby dudes and hot chicks in short skirts.
“The Office” (KOB-4 8:30 p.m.) The Dunder Mifflin gang takes over the cush post-Super Bowl slot with guest stars Jack Black, Jessica Alba and ... Cloris Leachman?
“Nitro Circus” (MTV 11 p.m.) Miss “Jackass”? Not to worry. Having beaten himself silly, Johnny Knoxville wisely just produces this new series, which is basically “Jackass” with another name and other people.
“Chuck” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Not only does Dominic Monaghan from “Lost” pop by for a guest spot, but the episode is in 3-D! Nonviewers, please use this as an excuse to watch and love.
“Heroes” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) OK, shake it off. Forget the past season and a half. It’s a whole new storyline over on “Heroes.” A whole new day. I’ll give it one more chance. One.
“RuPaul’s Drag Race” (Logo 11 p.m.) What if you could combine the fashion sense of “America’s Next Top Model” with the gayness of “Project Runway”?
“The IT Crowd” (IFC 9 p.m.) The third season of this nerd-tacular British import gets underway.
“George Carlin: The Mark Twain Award” (KNME-5 9 p.m.) Dead, but still funny.
“Katie Couric: All Access Grammy Special” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Still think Katie Couric’s uncool? Well, here she is hanging with her homies Lil’ Wayne, Justin Timberlake and Katie Perry!