“Silent Library” (MTV 7 p.m.) MTV’s newest show combines “Jackass” with a Japanese game show. The rules are simple: Subject your friends to horrible slapstick torture in a faux library—but don’t laugh at them or you lose out on the big cash prize.
“The Chopping Block” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) The return of NBC’s cooking contest prompts two questions: Who will be America’s next big chef? and How soon before all jobs in America are staffed by reality show winners?
“Happily Ever Faster” (TLC 8:30 p.m.) A docu-reality show about a Las Vegas wedding chapel? We haven’t had one of those yet? ... Really? Well, throw it on the pile.
“BrainRush” (Cartoon Network 9 p.m.) A TV quiz show that takes place on a moving roller coaster? Sounds more like a “Mad TV” skit.
“Destroy Build Destroy” (Cartoon Network 9:30 p.m.) This, on the other hand, sounds inspired in an old-school Nickelodeon way. Andrew W.K. (yeah, I know) hosts a kiddy game show in which contestants build stuff then get to destroy their opponent’s stuff. Last one standing wins.
“Eli Stone” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) Having burned off the remaining episodes of the canceled detective fantasy series “Pushing Daises,” ABC does the same for the canceled lawyer fantasy series “Eli Stone.”
“Merlin” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) If Sci-fi Channel can’t pull off a “Merlin” movie/series that isn’t goofy, I’m not sure NBC’s Camelot-
Killer Hair (Lifetime Movie Network 6 p.m.) How can this not be a movie about hair that kills people?
Impact (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Scientists (and by “scientists” I mean Natasha Hestridge and David James Elliot) have 39 days to prevent the Moon from colliding with the Earth in this two-night miniseries.
“Guys Choice 2009” (Spike 8 p.m.) What do guys like (other than Lay-Z-Boys, beer in cans and searching for topless pictures of Megan Fox on the Internet)? Apparently, they like testosterone-heavy awards shows featuring stars like Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson and categories like “Ballsiest Band” and “Hottest Twins.”
“Make It or Break It” (ABC Family 7 p.m.) ABC Family launches a new drama about hot teenage gymnasts trying to make the Olympic team. I’m pretty sure I can get arrested for watching this.
“The Superstars” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Retired athletes team with E-list celebrities (Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Paige Hemmis, Joanna Krupa, Estella Warren—who are these people?) to compete in various sporting events.
“Better Off Ted” (KOAT-7 8:30 p.m.) ABC actually brings a show back from hiatus that hasn’t been canceled. Hooray!
“The Philanthropist” (KOB-4 9 p.m.) What if Bill Gates were buff, good-looking and traveled around the world handing out money to orphans in exciting, war-torn nations? He’d be starring in a new drama for NBC, that’s what.