“Into the Pride” (Animal Planet 6 p.m.) Lions get the “Meerkat Manor” treatment.
“Neil Diamond—Hot August Night: NYC” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Sorry, but even after the Urge Overkill cover of “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon” in Pulp Fiction and that Johnny Cash-style makeover Rick Rubin gave him a few years back, I still can’t see Neil Diamond as anything other than a ’70s cheesemonger. But if you wanna hear “Cracklin’ Rosie” again, enjoy!
“Woodstock: Then and Now” (VH1 7 p.m.) It’s the 40th anniversary of Woodstock, don’t you know? VH1 compares and contrasts.
“Chefography” (Food Network 7 p.m.) Food Network kicks off its new show by recounting the life story of Guy Fieri. ... Um, he won “The Next Food Network Star” a couple years ago, and now he’s the spokesperson for T.G.I. Friday’s. What more do you need to know?
“2 Months, $2 Million” (G4 7 p.m.) Four world-champion Internet poker players pool their resources to rent a house in Las Vegas and spend two months gambling away their fortunes in real life in this new docu-reality show.
“Mad Men” (AMC 8 p.m.) Season 3 launches tonight. Be there, or be Squaresville.
“My Antonio” (VH1 8 p.m.) Thirteen women arrive in Hawaii with hopes of winning the heart of actor Antonio Sabàto Jr. ... It just ... it never ends, does it?
“Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami” (E! 10 p.m.) Thank god somebody finally wised up and gave Kourtney and Khloe their own reality show spin-off, because it’s been clear to me for ages who the real talentless celebutards behind “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” are.
“Glenn Martin, DDS” (Nickelodeon 6 p.m.) It’s like “The Great American Road Trip,” only funnier. And with stop-motion-animated puppets.
“Woodstock: Now & Then” (History 7 p.m.) It’s the 40th anniversary of Woodstock, don’t you know? Unlike VH1, History Channel contrasts & compares.
“Hoarders” (A&E 8 p.m.) OK, so I’m forced to admit a sick fascination with this new documentary series about people who obsessively (and I mean obsessively) collect crap like ... well, sometimes literal crap.
“Shaq Vs.” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) Remember last week when Shaquille O’Neal inexplicably started calling out David Beckham, boasting about his soccer-playing skills? Yup, just a lame publicity stunt for his new TV show. Tonight, he plays football against Ben Roethlisberger.
“House of Jazmin” (MTV 11:30 p.m.) I’ve never heard of fashion designer Jazmin Whitley and don’t know a thing about the woman, but if TV has taught me anything, it’s that reality show stars are whiny, overprivileged idiots who get drunk a lot, make out with strangers and scream at their assistants for no reason. Welcome to the club, Jazmin.
“Bobb’e Says” (Cartoon Network 9 p.m.) Hey, that loudmouthed kid from Role Models got his own TV show. Good for him.